


Lost Affection, Lost Emotions

by WuHanwoo



Category: Day6 (Band), GOT7, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Attempted Murder, Blood, Car Accidents, Doctor!Mark, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hearing Voices, Hurt/Comfort, References to Depression, Sickfic, doctor!brian, doctor!mark tuan, doctor!younghyun, doctor!youngk, mark is going to appear later in the fic, sick!jisung, voices, youngk won't appear until chap9
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-11-29 07:46:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 28,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18220262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WuHanwoo/pseuds/WuHanwoo
Summary: Cross-posted on Asianfanfics under same usernamePublished on Asianfanfics : Nov 17, 2018Published on AO3 : Mar 25, 2018Jisung wants hugs, everyone is annoyed. Jisung hears voices, everyone doesn't know. Jisung is afraid, everyone doesn't realize. Jisung breaks, everyone regrets.Or...One day Jisung messes up, and his past slowly reveals (I had to change the summary cause my imagination ran off lane)





	1. Foreword

**Author's Note :**

I honestly have no idea where i'm taking this, but all i know is, Jisung is gonna be sad, and it probably has a happy ending (cause i can't bear to see my bias in a bad ending)

Because of my limitless imagination, Jisung's past and his secrets are slowly getting revealed.


	2. Tears, Pain, Soreness, Burns

"Hug me~", Jisung whines as he chases Jeongin around the house attempting to hug him.  
"Noooo, I don't wanna~ Get away hyung~ Hyunjin hyung, help me.", Jeongin runs behind Hyunjin who blocks Jisung and says "Stop chasing Jeongin, what if he gets hurt." and looks at him with the most protective face he can find, which ironically made Jisung's heart shiver in fear and caused him to step back and knock over Changbin's cola can which proceeded to spill all over the couch and floor.

"AHH, JISUNG AH, CAN'T YOU JUST STAY STILL AND NOT KNOCK MY THINGS OVER, NOW I HAVE TO CLEAN UP again..." Changbin roared annoyed that he has to clean twice on that day.  
"I-I-I'll help clean up..." Jisung stuttered as he makes his way to get a cloth from the kitchen. All he can hear behind him are sighs of disappointment. His hands start to shake. "What's wrong with you, get a hold of yourself, let's go and clean up the mess I made.". He picks up a cloth and turns around to hear to the living room only for his elbow to knock over Minho's favourite glass mug, making it shatter all over the kitchen floor.

Jisung bends down hurriedly to pick up the shattered pieces. He jumped and drew back as his fingers get cut, but continued to pick up the pieces as he heard the front door opening. What happened next only made him regret more of what he did in that few minutes. Minho stood in front of the kitchen entrance, looked at the broken pieces which he recognised as only he owns a glass mug in the dorm. "What-did-you-do?" Minho muttered.

"What?"Jisung's voice shivered.

"HAN JISUNG, WHAT DID YOU DO, MY DAD GAVE ME THAT CUP, YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ANOTHER, HE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE!" Minho enraged, just storm to his room and slams the door shut.

Everyone else walks over to see the commotion. "What happened around here?" Chan questioned the rest.

"Jisung chased Jeongin, knocked over my cola can which dirtied the couch and the floor, and guessing by this I see here, he broke Minho's favourite cup which his late dad gifted him." Changbin answered with a face equipped with the most utter disgust.

Woojin tries to help "Let's help him clean up guys."

"It's okay, I'll clean it up by myself, you guys can go rest, it's been a long day." Jisung head tilted downwards, staring at the ground while on his knees.

"Of course you should." Changbin rolled his eyes and walked off.

Everyone slowly dispersed into their rooms, Woojin still standing at the side of the entrance.

"You sure?"  
"Yea, I'll be fine. Sleep well hyung. Tell the rest I'm sorry..."  
"Alright, goodnight."

Tears. All he could feel was tear running down his face. Piercing pain on the tips of his fingers. Soreness from his knees. Burning from his heart.  
He gathered all the pieces of the glass he could find, put them in a box, and stored them away in his closet.

Couch wiped, floor wiped, things put properly in place, wound washed and cleaned, tears washed.

He headed to his room only for his foot to get pierced by an unseen glass shard. "Shit..." he muttered under his breath. He put that last shard in the box and patched up his wound. He walked back to the living room and kitchen to check one last time before walking to his bed and collapsing on top of it.

"Toto? Aha, I found you, I'm cold, hug me...Ahh...you're cold too..." Jisung whispered to his stuffed plush and he drifts off to sleep.


	3. 6:00 AM

Jisung awoke to a body filled with pain. The time on his phone read '3:00 am'. Confused, he stepped out of his room and walked toward the kitchen, ignoring the stinging pain under his foot. He looked around, found some painkillers, consumed them with his half-open eyes. He walked back to his room only to stumble midway onto the floor.

"It burns, my head hurts, my chest burns, my stomach churns..." he mutters.

He decided he can't make it back to his room, so he crawled his way to the couch and let his sleepiness takeover.

_~ 6:00 am ~_

Jisung heard the front door closing. _'Ahh...it must be the kids going to school.'_ he thought to himself.

"You go tell him."  
"What? Why me?"  
"Just do it."

Jisung could hear every part of that conversation between Minho and Chan in his half-awake state, only to be fully awoken by Minho who kicks him on the side which sends him flinging up and crouching over the other way.

"*Cough* What was that for-" Jisung froze as his eyes met with Minho's "I'm sorry, I'll get up." Jisung's eyes shook and he hurriedly slid in the toilet.

"I said to wake him up and make up, not kick him Minho."  
"Mug..."  
Chan sighed and hugged Minho whose tears began to fall.

Jisung washed his face, turned off the water, and looked into the mirror.

What he saw wasn't himself. He saw someone in the reflection, someone filled with regrets, someone tied down by chains, someone being consumed by the darkness, but he couldn't recognise himself, the bright smile was nowhere to be seen. The sight of his reflection made him want to puke but he held it in.

_"You're useless, look at the mess you made, everyone is mad at you"_

Jisung looked up to find the voice, only to see his reflection. His hands begun to shake, one grasping his chest, one holding his stomach. He ran over to the toilet which he began to vomit in.

"Jisung? You alright?" Woojin was stood beside him patting his back.

 _'It's fine as long as Woojin hyung still likes me'_ , he thought to himself.

"Yea I'm alright, just ate something wrong I guess"  
"Do you wanna go to see a doctor?"  
"Nah, I'm fine hyung, thanks."

Jisung stood up, cleaned up after himself and hugged Woojin, who in turn hugged back.

"I just wanted to tell you, it's our day off, I wanted to ask if you wanted to go out with us but I guess you're staying home."  
"Ahaha...i don't think I can get anywhere in the state that I'm in."  
Woojin caressed the younger's head, "I won't let you out even if you wanted to."  
"Woojin hyung, if the rest asks, can you just make up an excuse for me, I don't want them to know their troublemaker is sick, they'll be mad."  
"Don't worry, I'll help you." Woojin kissed Jisung on his forehead and walked him back to his room penguin-style unbeknownst to Chan and Minho.

* * *

"Woojin? Where's Jisung? Isn't he coming with us?" Chan questioned.  
"He says he has something to do, he can't come with us today. I guess we have to go without him" Woojin replied without batting an eye.  
Changbin scratches his head, unable to think whether to be mad or sad that he won't be able to go out with Jisung on their day off. His heart itched even when he was annoyed at Jisung, no matter how annoyed and mad he was, Changbin couldn't get himself to hate Jisung, but at the same time, he also couldn't bring himself to talk things out. He had a problem expressing himself to the younger boy.

"I guess let's head out then." Chan announced as he put his arm around Minho's shoulder as he wiped the remaining tears off.

The dorm door closed, and Jisung was left in the silence of the house.

What followed was his vision and consciousness fading into a dream he never wanted to have. A Nightmare.


	4. Nightmare Embraced By Darkness

*Dorm door opens and closes*  
Jisung felt a cold hand on his forehead, "Idiot..." Hyunjin muttered. _'Hyunjin? That means the kids are back. Oh no, they're gonna find out...need to wake up...'_ Jisung thought to himself as he tries to open his eyes, but no matter how hard he tries it remains shut. Drowsiness hits Jisung and he falls into a deep sleep.

 **~Hyunjin POV~**  
Seungmin, Jeongin and I ended school, they wanted to go watch a movie, i passed telling them i wanted to go back to the dorm and rest, so we split roads and went our ways. With the thought that everyone would have already gone out like they planned, i sighed in relief that i'll have the dorm to myself to relax in my own thoughts.

I approached the dorm and entered, and as i was taking off my shoes, i noticed the shoes Jisung normally wears is still in the shoe shelf. _'That's odd, i remember Chan hyung saying they'd all be going out to the zoo, and if that's the case Jisung would definitely have worn this pair of shoes.'_ I decided to ignore that thought, continued taking off my shoes and entered. I headed to my room, and the first thing i see when i turn the corner is Jisung, lying in a fairly uncomfortable position if i could say, and most probably sleeping.

I walked toward Jisung and stood above him, he looked...sick, that's how i could describe what i saw in a few seconds of looking at him. "Jisung ah, wake up, you'll get cramps if you sleep like that..." I tried shaking him awake to ask him to move to a more comfortable position but he wouldn't budge, at the same time i noticed how hot he felt to the touch. Looking at him a second time, his shirt and face were drenched in sweat, his breathing seemed strained. I put my hand on his forehead, it burned, like it really burned. "Idiot...why can't you take care of yourself properly..." I changed Jisung out of his shirt and into mine, mine seem to let air flow in and out easier. I shifted his position so he would be comfortable. As i was moving him, i realized his fingers felt uneven, i picked up his hand and looked at his healing wounds from the glass, "I guess i should patch this up too..."

 **~Woojin POV~**  
Chan, Minho, Changbin, Felix and I went to the zoo as we planned. What we didn't plan was for Jisung to stay at the dorm and not follow. Felix and Changbin were have their own couple moments at the side, Chan was queuing to buy the tickets, and Minho was just standing at the side looking at the floor and not saying anything. "Minho yah, I know you're upset about the mug, I know you can't get another, but I just want you to know that Jisung didn't mean to break it, I believe you know that too..." I stood in front of Minho, waiting for a reply. "I know...I hate the fact he broke it...but I can't bring myself to hate him..." Minho slid into my arms, I felt my shirt absorb his tears, so i proceeded to hug him and pat him as he cried. Chan got the tickets and looked at me, I smile and whispered to Minho "Chan is here, it's okay" "Mmn..." Minho wiped his tears and smile toward Chan "Let's go"

 **~Jisung POV~**  
"Chan hyung, Changbin hyung, where are you guys going?"  
Chan hyung and Changbin hyung turned their back toward me, walking away in such a weirdly slow pace. I felt my heartbeat increase, as I looked around and saw everyone walking away from me.  
"Chan hyung? Changbin hyung? Minho hyung? Hyunjin ah? Felix ah? Seungmin ah? Jeongin ah? Where are you all going? Come back!"  
"Jisung ah..."  
I turned toward the voice "Woojin hyung?" he turned away and walked off into the darkness "Woojin hyung! Guys! Don't leave me!" I tried chasing Hyunjin, the last member I could see in front of me "Hyunjin ah! Wait!" I fell and was embraced by the darkness once again.

 **~Hyunjin POV~**  
I patched Jisung's wounds up, changed his shirt, wipe him up and down of his sweat, and placed a cooling patch on his forehead. I have to admit, he looked adorable with the flowery pattern on the patch. I was doing my schoolwork when i heard Jisung murmur in his sleep. I bent down beside him to try and hear what he was saying.

"Woojin..hyung..guys..don't leave..."

_'Is he having a nightmare? Why would we leave him?'_

"Hyunjin..ah...wait..."

I twitched, i did not expect for Jisung to call my name. Without thinking, i slipped my fingers in between his, grasping them tight for comfort, whether it was for his comfort or mine. I don't know what I was thinking about but, i leaned down beside him, laying my head on his chest. I never took the time to think about it, but hearing Jisung's heart beat, feeling his chest rise and fall, knowing he was alive and breathing beside me, calmed me.

Because I know he's alive.  
Because I know the one and only Han Jisung is alive.  
Sometimes I wish we could live eternally, but life doesn't go that way.  
So instead I will treasure all the time we have left in our life, to make the most amazing memories, together, with each other.

I felt a tear roll off the side of my face and on to him, but I ignored it and closed my eyes to get taken away by the sound of his heartbeat.


	5. Thanks Hyunjin

**~Jisung POV~**  
Bottom of my bed, that's the first thing i saw when i opened my eyes. The realization hit me that I was on Hyunjin's bed _'He's gonna be mad at me if he found out I was on his bed'_ I noticed a slight weight on my chest, and I tilted my head to look down. Hyunjin. Hyunjin was sleeping on my chest. I took the time to look around. I was now in his shirt, I assumed there was a cold patch on my forehead since it was cold, and Hyunjin was sleeping on me. 

_'Hyunjin? But why?'_

My throat itched. I tried to hold it in so I wouldn't scare Hyunjin awake, but instead what came out was a soft cough. Hyunjin's head rolled a bit, making him stir in his nap. He rubbed his eyes as he sat up. "Jisung? Oh you're finally awake." I sat up in a hurry and let out a rough cough, turning into a coughing fit. Hyunjin ran out the door, returning not long after with a cup of water, handing it to me. "Yah, you alright?" He looked rather worried about me. I nodded after gulping down the cup of water. 

"Dumbo Jisung, you scared me."  
"Huh? Oh uh sorry..."  
"You didn't wake up just now no matter how much i shook you. Do you know how scared i was..."

It felt warm, Hyunjin pulled me into a hug. I rested my head on his shoulder "Mmn...thanks Hyunjin ah..." He pulled me in closer than i expected he would "Tell me next time." "What?" "Tell me next time if you're sick or hurt or anything. No matter how annoyed i am with you. Say it until i get worried." "Mmn...i will" I answered him but i don't think i can keep the promise, i don't want to burden or worry him or even them. He pulled out of the hug "I'll get you the medicine to eat, don't move or i'll get mad." I nodded.

**~Hyunjin POV~**  
I awoke to my head rolling, sitting up rubbing my eyes. Peering open my eyelids to see Jisung awake, looking at me. "Jisung, Oh you're finally awake." My heart beated in excitement. _'He's awake, he's finally awake. Thank god.'_ Jisung flew his body forward and started to cough vigorously. I sprinted out our room to the kitchen and fetched him a cup of water. "Yah, you alright?" _'It hurts me to see him in pain, even when i joke around with the members, i don't mean to hurt his feelings. I want him to be happy, i want him to be fine. If he doesn't want to take care of himself then i would take care of him...but would he ever let me in'_ He nodded, i sighed in relief.

"Dumbo Jisung, you scared me."  
"Huh? Oh uh sorry..." Jisung probably thought i meant that he scared me awake, he looks so sad. I don't like it when Jisung is sad.  
"You didn't wake up just now no matter how much i shook you. Do you know how scared i was..."

To be honest, i feared he really wouldn't wake up anymore. I worried he would just stay like that, with only me around, helpless. I wanted him to understand how much he meant to me, but i didn't know how to explain it to him. Actions more than words. I pulled him in for a hug. His warmth surrounded my body, at the same time giving me a sense of comfort. "Mmn...thanks Hyunjin ah..." I couldn't help it, i felt the need to tell him.

"Tell me next time."  
"What?" He looked so confused, yet i found it cute.  
"Tell me next time if you're sick or hurt or anything. No matter how annoyed i am with you. Say it until i get worried."  
"Mmn...i will" Jisung looked down. He didn't seem to mean his words. But regardless, i'm gonna keep an eye on him.  
"I'll get you the medicine to eat, don't move or i'll get mad."

He nodded. I headed to the kitchen, opening the closet with the collection of medicine. As a looked through trying to find the appropriate meds for Jisung, i looked back on the times we made fun of the awkward silence that followed after he said something, and him pouting and whining. He always looked cute, but maybe i never took the time to consider how he felt inside. Maybe we all took advantage of his saying **"This too shall pass"** I picked up a few pills from a labeled bottle of meds and headed back in the room.

"Here, eat this." I handed the pills to him, to which he immediately consumed.

"Thanks Hyunjin" he held my hand with a smile on his face. But i secretly wanted to know what was hidden behind that beautiful smile.


	6. After School Movie Date

Seungmin and Jeongin headed into a cinema to watch a new horror movie that recently came out titled "Lights Out". The first time Jeongin saw the trailer of the movie on an online site, he squealed in excitement and shared it with Hyunjin and Seungmin. They planned to go and watch it after school on their day off but when the day came, Hyunjin announced that he'll stay in the dorm to rest. Nevertheless, Seungmin and Jeongin went without him, holding their excitement that exploded in little screams in between the playtime of the movie.

**~Seungmin POV~**  
After an hour and a half, the movie ended and we were mentally drained. I suggested the idea of eating the waffle ice cream dessert near the cinema to Jeongin, to which his eyes lit up and nodded with a wide smile on his face. We took a window seat, ordered our food, and waited. Jeongin looked so cute bouncing in his chair, eager to taste his Choco Banana Mix Waffle Ice Cream. Our eyes averted to the roadside outside the window. A stranger just tripped over a lifted tile and dropped a package with a fragile sticker pasted on top. I glanced over to Jeongin who stopped bouncing and looked a bit sad.

"Hyung, i don't think Minho hyung would be happy for a long while."  
"Mmn, after all that is his dad's mug. He really can't get another."  
"If only Jisung hyung was more careful, all this wouldn't happen."  
"Jeongin ah...i don't think Jisung meant to mess up that much on purpose. He did get scolded by Hyunjin and screamed at by Changbin hyung before that."

Jeongin scratched his head and pouted, not knowing how to feel.

"How do you feel about all this, Hyung?" I folded my arms, thinking hard.  
"I honestly don't know if Minho hyung is ever gonna be as happy as last time anymore, Jeongin ah. But..." i looked down at whether i should say it or not.  
"But?"  
"It's better not to blame Jisung." Jeongin looked at me and raised an eyebrow.  
"Why?"  
"He probably already blames himself more than anyone can. I don't want our sun to lose it's light."

The waiter walked over and placed our food down on the table. "Jeongin ah, let's eat it before it melts." Our seat was beside the window in which the sunlight was also shining on us. But right as i say that, a cloud moves in front on the sun and the sunlight slowly fades. I looked at Jeongin. He looked sad, head drooping, pouting, staring at the part of the table that the sunlight just left. I leaned forward and patted his head, taking the chance to tickle his neck. He squealed a little and broke out in giggles. I picked up a fork and a knife and handed it to Jeongin, and we began consuming the melting ice cream on top of their waffles.

**~Jeongin POV~**  
"He probably already blames himself more than anyone can. I don't want our sun to lose it's light."

As i heard these words come out of Seungmin hyung's mouth, i felt miserable. I have always thought about how Minho hyung would feel after that but never have i ever stopped to think about how Jisung hyung felt. I have a faint memory of his shaking hands before turning away from the kitchen and into my room. I even remember his disappointing sighs outside the room while there i lay under the moonlight, drifting off to sleep. But now i'm stuck in between whether to blame Jisung hyung or not. Because at the end of the day, he is still the cause of this. Or maybe it's my immaturity causing me the inability to understand and make the decision.

But i couldn't shake off the thought of the sun losing it's light, but i could already see it fading into the shadows. Deep beyond the sunlight hid an infinite darkness casted on by the shadows, to which Jisung hyung is probably falling back and forth to now.


	7. Zoo Outing

"Oh Felix, let's go ride the safari bus." Changbin pointed toward the promotion board placed not far from the ticket counter.  
"Woah, great idea hyung." Felix nudged Changbin's arm with a cheeky smile.  
"Chan hyung~ let's get the safari bus pass~" Felix and Changbin begged while pouting on both of Chan's shoulders.  
Chan looked at Woojin and Minho who just stood there and giggled at that sight. "Alright. Excuse me, can we get five safari bus passes? Thank you."

Hand in hand, Felix and Changbin ran in circles around the other three who just stood there waiting for a safari bus to arrive.

**~Chan POV~**   
_'I brought Woojin and the kids out to relax at the zoo and maybe get the chance to make up with each other. I don't blame Minho for being like that, but i can't blame Jisung for breaking the mug, he didn't mean to. Sadly Jisung had something else to do so we just came without him. I hope Minho feels better after this.'_

Putting my arms around Woojin and Minho, i waved at Felix and Changbin to stand at the safe side of the road behind the yellow line to board the approaching safari bus which was now in sight. Woojin Minho and i boarded the fourth row of the bus, while Felix and Changbin boarded the seventh row. Minho sat in between Woojin and I. I put my arm around his neck and played with his hair, while Woojin played with his thigh. He seemed so distracted with his eyes staring off into space. Minho leaned back and stretched "Weeeeeeee~"

"Cute" Woojin and I said simultaneously as Minho bent down and pouted at the both of us. He let himself rest his head on my shoulder as i hooked my arm around him. I looked back to see Changbin and Felix cuddling as they pointed around at the animals giggling. I wanted to ask Minho how he was feeling, i wanted to ask how he felt about Jisung, i wanted to but i couldn't.

**~Woojin POV~**  
"Cute" Chan and I said simultaneously as Minho bent down and pouted at the both of us. He let himself rest his head on Chan’s shoulder as Chan hooked his arm around him. Chan looked back toward Changbin and Felix then turned back to Minho. He looked conflicted, so much to say yet he couldn't say it. I ran my fingers through his hair and smiled as he shot me a confused look but smiled back. We both knew that everyone was confused about who they should side or what they should think or do, so we just comforted each other with our presence without words.

"Ohh look, lions!" Minho's eyes shined with amazement and admiration, smile stretched across his face. I looked over to see two lion cubs tumbling around and pouncing on each other playfully. One of the cubs tumbled close to a storm drain nearly falling in before their father lion picked it up and put him down away from it. Minho was smiling, but tears started to roll down the side of his face. He buried his face into my chest "I'm ok, i wasn't thinking about anything. It just happened." Chan's hand caressed the back of Minho's head as i hugged him and whispered "It's ok, you don't have to force yourself to explain."

_'To be honest, i don't know what to think about what happened last night. I feel bad for Minho, he can't get another mug from his dad. But Jisung...he's so fragile, and to think he's the type who would blame himself a lot...it's gonna be rough from now on. Even Chan can't find the words to talk, comfort or discuss with any of us. All he can do is silently support us.'_

**~Minho POV~**  
I envied the lion cubs. They had something i didn't have, a father. Before i knew it, tears blinded my vision and i hid my face in Woojin hyung's chest. I hated that they had to see this side of me. I knew they wanted to make me happy. I felt happy but the fading memories of my father saddened me. All i could remember that night was coming home to the dorm, finding Jisung to see what he was doing, only to find the last piece of my father left with me shattered all over the floor. Rage overcame me and i flipped out. But i don't blame myself, i blame him. I told Woojin hyung i knew, but i honestly don't know.

I don't think i will ever forgive him.

Han Jisung, a brother i shared memories with, a brother i couldn't stand being apart from, a brother i loved dearly for, a brother i now hate.

Han Jisung, the boy who is no longer my brother.


	8. Back Row

Seated in the front row of the safari bus was Woojin, Chan, and Minho. Seated in the back row of the safari was Changbin and Felix. While Woojin and Chan were comforting Minho, Changbin and Felix were enjoying the ride, or at least they tried to make it seem that way.

**~Felix POV~**  
We went to the zoo to relax and calm down after what happened in the past day. Chan hyung and Woojin hyung seems appear confused, and Minho hyung looks like he's holding in more emotions and thoughts that he can handle. I can't tell how Jisung is feeling, he's been so good at hiding his emotions since last time, but i'm sure he feels unesy too. And Changbin hyung, he looks like he's smiling just to comfort me and keep me happy. But i want him to be happy too, but i guess that's gonna be hard.

**~Changbin POV~**  
We were together at the zoo for an outing. The biggest reason for us being there was for Minho hyung and Jisung to make up, but i guess that isn't happening today. Honestly, i don't think that will happen even if Jisung came. The problem is too big, the wound is too deep, there's no way Minho hyung would forgive him that easily. Master Lee was such a nice and kind person to all of the members and treated us as his own sons. Sad to say he passed due to a hit-and-run accident, with Jisung as his witness. But no one knows what actually happened, Jisung never spoke of it, even to Minho hyung. And to think that i happened when all other members were overseas at the time, it took us a while to book our flights to return home for the funeral when all investigations were conducted and concluded. Minho hyung didn't feel the need to listen to the police telling him how his father died. The culprit was caught, that was enough for Minho to rest his mind.

We couldn't find Jisung for a few weeks when we all returned and gathered. He finally reappeared in front of our eyes kneeling in front of Master Lee's grave, shaking and crying with his face close to the grass. Minho hyung was the one who walked over, picked him up and simply told him to 'forget it'. He told Jisung that the one thing his father always told him was "What has passed, has gone. What is gone, is lost."

After that, Minho hyung and Jisung became closer and bonded, but all that changed in one moment when Master Lee's mug was broken. Brothers that seemed like they would never be apart, only to be separated by a mistake that could have been avoided.

I looked at Felix and patted his head. He leaned his head on mine and cuddled with me.

**~Felix POV~**  
Changbin hyung looked deep in his thought. He looked so stressed and his eyes wandered around emotionlessly. I couldn't stand it. He looked so vulnerable, unlike his usual self. He looked at me with his puppy eyes, smiled, and patted my head. I leaned on his head and cuddled with him. It's the only way i can comfort him. Not by words but by love.


	9. Visit to the Hospital (Part 1)

Back at the dorm...

**~Jisung POV~**  
"Hyunjin ah~"  
"Hmm?"  
"I just remembered, but aren't i supposed to be busy? Doesn't that mean i'm not supposed to be in the dorm?"  
"I guess that means that. You wanna go somewhere then?"  
"I guess i'll go stroll around outside for a while."  
"...I'm following you." Hyunjin turned around and grabbed both mine and his belongings and sat back down beside me.  
"Ohh...Mmn, ok. Let's go out together."  
"Can i choose where we're gonna go?"  
"Sure. Where do you wanna go, Hyunjin?"  
"The hospital."

_'From then, i kind of knew where this conversation was going so i just nodded in agreement as he held my hand and pulled me out of the dorm.'_

**~Hyunjin POV~**   
_'I'm going to take care of him even if he doesn't like it. Because i know if i don't, he won't take care of himself.'_

The warmth from his hands made me tremble in excitement. I liked knowing how alive he is. I pulled him closer to me, and interlocked our fingers. At first Jisung looked at me confused, but soon he broke into a warm smile and we continued walking.

We don't go out very often together. He's always at the training room writing lyrics and producing songs, and by the time he returns home Seungmin and I would have already fallen asleep. On our off days we would go out as a whole group to play or watch a movie, so i never got the chance to really be alone with him.

"Jisung ah"  
"Hmm? What, Hyunjin ah?"  
"Say...how do you feel about Minho hyung?"

Jisung stopped in his steps, his head drooping. I feel guilty for asking but i wanted to know so badly. "It's okay if you don't wa-"

"I miss him..." he cut my words off but at the same time he cut my thoughts off.  
"W-What...? Ohh i guess it makes sense for you to miss him." I couldn't get my head around it, i felt like there should be a second meaning behind what he said. I wanted to question him so bad but i didn't want to pry so deep and hurt his feelings.

"It's okay Hyunjin, just ask whatever you want to ask. You're starting to look constipated while thinking. And not to even mention, you're stepping on me." Jisung laughed as he pointed down to my foot which was pressing down on his.

I stumbled away releasing our fingers. But i also wondered _'How did he read my mind?'_ how i wished that i could read his mind too.

"I wanted to ask you..." i hesitated for a while but went for it "Why do you miss Minho hyung? I mean like i get that we are members, we bonded close together like family, but why? I want to know."

"Because...he's my brother. My actual brother. And since Master Lee isn't around anymore, i'm only left my brother, and that's him."  
"W-What?" I couldn't believe it. And i'm pretty sure none of us knew about that, maybe only Minho but no one else. "What do you mean by actual brother? I don't get it, i'm so confused."  
"Well we aren't blood brothers, but as you know my parents have already passed because of a hit-and-run accident, so Master Lee decided to take care of my living expenses, but i still live separately. And Minho hyung doesn't know about it, so he just thinks we are childhood friends."  
"Minho hyung doesn't know? What type of situation is this, i'm so confused."  
"The only people who knows about this is Master Lee, me, and you. But i need it to stay it that way, i don't need Minho hyung to hate me any further for breaking and hiding things."

**~Jisung POV~**  
"Minho hyung doesn't know? What type of situation is this, i'm so confused." I seriously don't know how to explain to him about this situation, it's complicated enough for me to need to think so hard about it.  
"The only people who knows about this is Master Lee, me, and you, and someone you don't know. But i need it to stay it that way, i don't need Minho hyung to hate me any further for breaking and hiding things." I seriously don't know what would happen if Minho hyung found out. I don't want the current situation between us to get even worse.

Out of nowhere, a wave of pain hit my chest, catching me off guard. I bent over one hand grasping my chest, other hand reaching over to my shoelace to pretend tying a double knot.

Hyunjin ran his fingers through my hair, waiting for me to stand up and continue heading towards the hospital.

_'Good thing the pain is not as bad as it normally is...this is easier to endure...'_

I took a deep breath and stood up. He smiled at me. I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to tell him everything but i couldn’t burden him with this.

**_'That's right, you shouldn't burden the others with your own problems. They don't deserve to suffer like you.'_ **

The voice burned my thoughts of sharing anything else away. I don't think the voice is that bad anymore. I felt like it helped me...to lessen the burden i give Hyunjin.

"Let's go" i put on the best smile i could make through the pain, interlocking our fingers again and this time, with me being in the front, i pulled him towards the direction of the hospital.


	10. Visit to the Hospital (Part 2)

Outside the hospital...

 **~Jisung POV~**  
We walked hand in hand towards the hospital. I felt relieved that we were near it. The familiar smell surrounding the hospital calmed me. The warmth around my hand played with the back of my hand and Hyunjin smiled at me. We were around five metres from the entrance when i recognised a familiar face.

"Jisung? Why are you back here now? Did you make an appointment with me?"  
"Younghyun hyung..."

The person standing in front of me, looking not much older is a hyung i have known for a while since Master Lee's hit-and-run accident. Younghyun hyung was put in charge of me back then and still is till this day. The reason i suggested Hyunjin to come to this hospital was to refill my empty pill bottles which i finished earlier than i had expected, but i didn't tell Hyunjin the reason. And to make things even worse, i forgot to tell Younghyun hyung that i was coming, and now they had to meet in this situation. But i guess my expression was very uncomfortable since Younghyun hyung just said "Ahh, i think you did. Haha no worries, come in."

"And you, young man" Younghyun hyung smiled at Hyunjin and passed him one of his namecards.  
"T-Thanks" Hyunjin looked surprised but read the air. "Jisung, i think you can go ahead, i'll go to the pharmacy to buy the meds to refill our medicine cabinet."  
"Mmn." I nodded as we let go of each other once again and parted ways.

I followed Younghyun hyung through the hallways and into his office. I went in first and he closed the door behind me. "What's wrong, Jisung ah? Our scheduled appointment should have been next month. Does it hurt very bad? Or are you here to refill your bottles?"

I hit the wall and my body slid down the side of it. It hurt so bad, but i didn't want Hyunjin to see that side of me. I endured so hard, but at the same time, my choice for not doing anything about it came back and hit me. My head rested on the floor as i struggled to breathe. All i could feel was Younghyun hyung turning me over on to my back before passing out.

 **~Hyunjin POV~**  
We were walking near to the entrance, and i noticed Jisung was making eye contact with someone in front of us. He looked around our age, and he was wearing a doctor's overcoat.

"Jisung? Why are you back here now? Did you make an appointment with me?"  
_'He knows Jisung? Wait but he's a doctor, that means there's something wrong with Jisung's health? Or maybe they are friends outside. But he mentioned appointment, and he said back here. Oh dear...'_

"Younghyun hyung..."  
_'Seems like Jisung knows him pretty well too. Is this why he suggested to come to this hospital since i mentioned going to one? So many questions...'_

"Ahh, i think you did. Haha no worries, come in."  
_'HE DID???' More like does Jisung come here often? I'm so worried. Why must Jisung hide so many things'_

"And you, young man"  
_'What? Me? What does he want with me? A namecard with his number on it?'_  
On the front of the namecard, it had his name **"Kang Younghyun"** and his contact information below it. I flipped the namecard over, and i saw a small writing on the bottom **'If anything happens to Jisung, contact me with this number, i'll be there.'**  
I looked up to see Younghyun hyung smiling at me. I think that just confirmed my assumptions that there was something wrong with Jisung that i didn't know about. But i didn't want to pester him.

"T-Thanks" I looked over to Jisung, his other hand which wasn’t holding mine was playing with his pocket, and he was shifting around a lot more than he usually would. "Jisung, i think you can go ahead, i'll go to the pharmacy to buy the meds to refill our medicine cabinet." At least i had an actual excuse to leave him alone with the guy called Younghyun hyung, who apparently is older than us.

"Mmn." Jisung nodded as we let go of each other once again and parted ways.

It didn't take long for me to make my way through the hallways, following the signs to the pharmacy. I bought whatever was needed and left the pharmacy as soon as i completed my purchase. I made my way to the lobby where Jisung and I parted ways and i sat in one of the empty seats. I would have texted Jisung to ask how long it would take but i didn't want to rush him so i just waited for his phonecall to come. At the same time, i took out Younghyun hyung's namecard from my pocket and saved his contact number in my phone. I saved his contact name as **"Younghyun hyung (Jisung's Doc?)"** to remind myself of who he was in case i needed to find his number.

Seconds felt like minutes. Minutes felt like hours. I sat patiently waiting for that one phonecall that took a while to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author-nim : If it wasn't obvious enough from this chapter, then i'll say it first. I know nothing, absolutely nothing medical related. By the way, i don’t proofread my fanfics, i only get to correct them when i reread to remember the story. Sorry if there are missing words or weird grammar. But anyways, enjoy reading XD


	11. Carry Me Back Home

**~Hyunjin POV~**  
That one phonecall i waited for, took what felt like forever to come. I started to zone out while staring at the clock in front of me, ticking slowly to the next second. The autumn air made me want to just fall asleep. Just then, i felt a vibration from my pocket. I got excited, thinking it was from Jisung. I took out my phone and looked at the screen **"Seungminnie"**

_'Hmm? Why would Seungmin be calling me now?'_

"Yea? What's up Seungmin?"  
"Hyunjin ah, where are you? I thought you wanted to rest in the dorm. Where did you go?"  
"Ohh, i went to a hospital."  
"WHATTTT??? Are you sick? Are you hurt?" Seungmin's scream nearly deafened my ear before i even had time to explain to him.  
"Calm down Seungmin ah. I'm just here to get medicine. Our medicine cabinet is clearing up. I'm stocking up before the season change gets to us."  
"Ohhh...that's good. See you back at the dorm~"  
"See you~"

I laid back down on my seat and sighed. Staring back at the clock, slowly awaiting for **_him_**.

**~Jisung POV~**  
The first thing i see when i open my eyes, the familiar ceiling i haven't seen for a while these days. My body ached. It didn't hurt anymore, it just ached.

"Ughh i hate this..."  
"I know you do. Seems like we need some explaining done here." I turned to see Younghyun hyung not far from his office bed which i was lying on. He seemed a little sulky.

I tried sitting up to talk but my body didn't seem to have enough energy to do that. Younghyun walked over with a chair and sat on it beside me "You don't have to get up, i'm listening."  
"So erm...where do it start...?"  
"I don't know, maybe the part why your bottles are empty a month earlier than expected?"  
"Ohh...it's been hurting a lot more these days, so i kept taking them."  
"Okay i get that, so i'm assuming you didn't even have any to help your situation just now. Anything else you hadn't told me yet?"  
"I had a fever and couldn't wake up from it about maybe a few hours ago?"

He sighed "You're not going to live for long if you keep this up. How am i gonna show my face to Master Lee if that happens?" He leaned on the bed with his head on my belly. "Jisung ah...please take care of yourself. I'm gonna let you go home after the IV drip finishes since i know even if i leave you here, you are going to run away."

"How do i get home though...i can't even sit up now."  
"Call that someone who's waiting for your phonecall. Considering you've been out cold for 4 hours, he must've been waiting for a while. I've already refilled your bottles, they're on the table beside you. Don't forget to take them. I'm going to get medicine for your fever. Go ahead and call him, i'll be back soon. Tell him it's alright to come in here, i'll inform the front desk." he walked out of the room after shuffling my hair as i slowly picked up my phone and called Hyunjin.

**~Hyunjin POV~**  
 _'Ugh...i feel like taking a nap. It feels like the perfect temperature for it.'_ I felt my phone vibrate again. I slowly looked at the screen **"Jisungie"** _'Finally'_

"What's up Jisung. You ready?"  
"Hyunjin ah...i erm...need a little help here"  
"Mmn what do you need help with?"  
"Getting home"

The awkward silence filled our ears, as i thought of something to say.

"Younghyun hyung said it was okay for you to come in his office to get me, he already told the front desk. But...can you carry me all the way back to the dorm?"  
"...Jisung ah, even if i can't i will. Where are you, i'll come over"  
"Hehe...remember where we parted ways? Facing the way i went, you need to walk straight until you reach a wall. Then turn left then right then left..."  
"Then it's just another lobby."  
"Bingo...haha, if you can see Kang Younghyun on the label of the door, that's the one."

**"KANG YOUNGHYUN"** was written in big word right in front of me, hard to miss at this distance.

**~Jisung POV~**  
The door opened. Hyunjin came in and looked around before landing his eyes on me. "Jisung ah..."

I stretched my hand out towards him. He walked over and grabbed my hand, swinging it side to side. "You don't look very good."

"I haven't been for a long time..."  
"Since when..."  
"Master Lee..."  
"Ohhh..." Hyunjin leaned in and wrapped his arms around me.

The door opened again. Younghyun hyung came back with the fever meds. "Looks like i'm ruining a moment here."

"Hyung..."  
"Don't look at me like that. I'm already letting you go home."

Younghyun hyung shuffled Hyunjin's hair "I'm counting on you."  
"Mmn"  
"Seems like the IV drip finished. I'm gonna take it out and patch him up, then you guys can head home."

Hyunjin nodded and went off to the other corner of the room and waited as he watched me. Younghyun hyung patched me up in no time, and signalled Hyunjin to come over. "Hope you'll make me proud" Younghyun hyung patted Hyunjin on the back and they both gave each other a meaningful smile. Hyunjin pulled me up and carried me frontside facing him.

We gave our goodbyes to Younghyun hyung and headed home.

Hyungjin had a free hand which he used to rub my back. It was warm. I was sad. After what happened yesterday, i don't feel like i deserve the warmth.

**_'Of course you don't deserve the warmth. You don't deserve any love, any care, anyone. Continue messing up. One day, Hyunjin and Woojin hyung will give up on you'_** the voice drowned out my surroundings. It felt like it was cutting into me. It felt so cold.

As if he heard the voice too "Don't worry Jisung ah. I'll always be here. I won't leave you."  
"Hyunjin ah..."  
"Hmm?"  
"Thanks...for carrying me back..."  
"Ask me as many times as you like, i'll do it again."  
"Mmn...i'm sleepy..."  
"Go ahead and sleep. I'll put you to bed later."  
"Mmn...thank Hyunjin ah..."

I couldn't lie to myself. I wanted Hyunjin to be there for me. And i needed him to be there for me.


	12. Questions

**~Minho POV~**  
"Yahhhh, that was fun. It's so worth the money from my wallet" Chan hyung nudged me while laughing. Changbin and Felix were hooked to each other arm in arm beside us giggling in their own conversation. Woojin hyung had his arm over my shoulder, while jumping up and down giving his little bear smile.

"Do you guys want to eat out or get take-out?" Chan hyung looked at all of us giving the 'my wallet has a big hole so please answer if you don't want to starve' face.  
"Hmm...i vote for getting take-out" Changbin announced. Felix nodded in agreement.  
All of them looked at me "I vote for take-out too."  
"I don't know what you guys are gonna buy but i'll say it first, i want fried chicken" all of us laughed at Woojin hyung's comment and we headed out of the zoo towards the korean streets filled with diners.

I pointed to a shop and looked at Woojin hyung "Hyung, Woojinnie hyung. That shop is the one that sells the fried chicken from the commercial we always watched and wanted to try." Woojin hyung's eyes lit up with a grin from ear to ear. He looked back at Chan hyung and pointed to the shop. Chan hyung nodded and we proceeded to buy the fried chicken along with our dinner.

"Ahh! I forgot to ask if the rest have eaten and if they need dinner." Chan hyung exclaimed scaring all of us in the process. He pulled out the phone and called Seungmin, and the only reason i knew it was Seungmin was because Chan hyung went "Seungminnie Seungminnie Seungminnie" while finding his number.

"Seungmin ah~ who's at the dorm? Do you guys need dinner? What do you guys want?" Chan hyung shot him questions like he was rapping. It was...cute. "WHAT? WHY IS HYUNJIN AT THE HOSPITAL?" That sentence just sent the other four of us on this side of the phone on full panic mode. Woojin hyung was holding Changbin and Felix from sprinting into different directions. I was just frozen there along with Chan hyung who was practically rapping questions into the phone. "Ohh...he's just there to stock up our medicine cabinet ahahaha" Changbin and Felix melted in Woojin hyung's arms while i waddled over to Chan hyung's side. "Is Sungie home yet?"

_'Hmm...Jisung is still not home yet...I mean it's not like i care or anything...i guess...'_

"Alright, i'll call him. You and Jeongin only want one plate of jjajjangmyeon each right? I'll buy whichever side dishes there are. Okay bye~"

He looked at his phone and scrolled around to find Jisung's number "Where are you~ where are you~ Jisung ah~"  
"You're gonna take forever to find his number, i'll type it out for you." I took Chan hyung's phone from his hand and pressed Jisung's number in.  
"Woahh...your memory is great."  
"I mean well...that's how much i used to call him just by typing his number. Too lazy to find, rather memorize."  
"That's a different kind of lazy...but thanks"

**~Chan POV~**  
I scrolled through my contacts trying to find Jisung's number "Where are you~ where are you~ Jisung ah~"  
"You're gonna take forever to find his number, i'll type it out for you." Minho took my phone from my hand and pressed Jisung's number in. I was both surprised yet not surprised at the same time. Minho can still remember Jisung's number by heart. He looked like he wanted to talk to Jisung but also not talk to Jisung.  
"Woahh...your memory is great."  
"I mean well...that's how much i used to call him just by typing his number. Too lazy to find, rather memorize." **'Used to'** The two words that weighed on my chest as i couldn't help them even when i'm their leader.  
"That's a different kind of lazy...but thanks"

I proceeded to call Jisung's phone number and it was picked up in around 10 seconds. "Ah Jisung ah, i was gonna ask you what time would you be home and if you needed dinner."  
"I think you might need to buy dinner for the two of us. I'm hungry, hyung~" i heard Hyunjin's voice coming through Jisung's phone. I looked at Minho and confirmed with him that he typed in Jisung's number and not Hyunjin's.  
"Hyunjin? Why are you the one picking up the phone? Where's Jisung? I thought you were at the hospital?" Hyunjin sounded like he ran for a while, panting while talking.  
"Jisung? I'm carrying him. He's sleeping, quite deeply too. Yea, i bought the meds and i'm coming back to the dorm now. I want jjampong~ and Jisung probably wants jjampong with chicken legs~"  
"He's sleeping? You're carrying him? Why? Why do you sound so calm? Hyunjin ah~" Minho looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I can't even blame him if he's curious at this point.  
"Long story hyung, i'll tell you back at the dorm. And hyung, i think you need to hang up soon, i need to change hands to hold him."  
"Alright...see you at the dorm. Bye"

By then, the other three gathered around me and Minho.

"Two jjajjangmyeon with random side dishes. Two jjampong one with chicken legs. Jisung is sleeping, Hyunjin is carrying him. Long story would be told at the dorm."  
"That's so weird, not the food orders but Hyunjin carrying Jisung. And where did they even meet? Doesn't that mean Jisung was also at the hospital?" Changbin, Felix, and Minho looked at me after Woojin commented. I just shrugged. We had so many questions. But they could only be answered after Hyunjin comes home with Jisung. At the mean time, we bought the remaining member's dinners and headed home.


	13. Answered Questions, Hidden Answers

**~Hyunjin POV~**  
My arms were tired, but i wasn't about to just let Jisung wake up and walk by himself. I don't know what sickness he had and how sick he is, but considering how Younghyun hyung is like his personal doctor, it must be bad. What i wanted to know was why would Jisung hide this from us. I haven't even thought of how to explain to Chan hyung and the rest. But for now, at least Jisung has me to carry him back. He's so tired, i don't even know if he would wake up to eat.

Jisung snuggled close to my neck, rubbing his hair against it.

"Jisung ah~ are you cold?"  
"Hmm...not cold, Hyunjin is warm. I'm hungry, i crave jjampong with chicken legs..."  
"Chan hyung called just now, i told him to buy that for you."  
"Nice...Hyunjin is the best..." Jisung laughed softly, turn his head and tucks it in between my neck and my chest.  
"Won't your neck hurt if you sleep like that?"  
"Nope...it won't...because it's Hyunjin...it's not crammed..."

I can't even get tired of rubbing his back. It was so soft, not just his clothes above, but also his skin under. The remaining walk back to the dorm took not much longer than 20 mins. I arrived at the front of the apartment.

"Hyunjin?" i turned to the voice which belonged to Chan hyung. Behind him was Woojin hyung, Changbin hyung, Felix, and most noticably Minho hyung who didn't seem to know where to look. He was looking in all directions but stopping a few times to look at Jisung's direction. Like, you could tell he wasn't looking at me, but at Jisung.  
Changbin hyung jogged over with Felix and put a hand on Jisung's back. "What's wrong with him?" he looked sad. They all looked sad. Even Minho looked sad to a point. Chan hyung walked over with the other two and said "Let's ask the questions after we go in..." he patted Changbin and Felix on their shoulders. Everyone headed in, with Chan hyung in front, opening the dorm door.

"We're back~" Woojin hyung announced as Seungmin and Jeongin peeked their heads out of their own rooms. They skipped over to greet us (and their dinner) then turned to look at me.  
"Who is that you're carrying?" Seungmin questioned at a distance. I turned around to show them Jisung's face which was flipping over to rub his ear on my shoulder.  
"Jisungie? What's he doing on you? Why are you carrying him? Where did you guys meet?"  
"Long story Hyunjin said...arms tired Hyunjin said...hungry we all say..." Jisung poked Seungmin's face who came closer to look at him. "I'm okay...don't look at me like that..." Everyone exchanged weird looks and they went in to set up dinner while i put Jisung's medicine in his drawer and headed to the living room.

"Hyunjin ah..."  
"Hmm? What is it, Jisung ah?"  
"You're a weird person..."  
"Why would you say that?"  
"Because you would protect me. Because you would lie for me. Because you're here for me." Jisung straightened up and hugged me.  
"Then let me be the weirdest person in the world. Then you won't be alone anymore." i could feel him giggling beside my ear.

 **~Minho POV~**  
I felt so conflicted. The last time i felt this conflicted was when they called to tell me that Dad was dead. When i came back from New York, i had to send Dad off. Jisung was missing for weeks and everyone spread all over his favourite hangout spots to find him. I didn't bother listening to the policeman but i heard that Jisung was the witness to Dad's hit-and-run accident. I had a feeling i knew where he would be. I gathered everyone to tell hem to stop looking and that i found him. Even without seeing him with my own eyes there first, i knew he would be there. Dad meant almost everything to him after his parents were taken from him in a seperate hit-and-run accident. We arrived at where Dad was buried, and we found him. He was in front of Dad's grave shaking and crying with his face close to the grass.

I couldn't stand that sight. Jisung, the person that could be counted as my last family member breaking down in front of my actual last family member.

Then yesterday, he had to break the last thing Dad left me. The last thing i could remember him by. I hated Jisung. My memories of Dad started flashing past. But i don't like seeing Jisung hurt. I don't want to care about him but i keep thinking about him. Maybe i should forgive him?

**_'Hate him! He is the reason Dad's last momento was destroyed! He does not deserve your care! He deserves to be hurt! He deserve all the pain! He does not deserve forgiveness from you!'_ **

A voice deafened me. It played with my thoughts. It carved it's thoughts into mine. But at least, i get to keep some of my own.

 **~Changbin POV~**  
We set up dinner in the living room and i went over to call Hyunjin and Jisung to come. I peeked through their room door to see Jisung hugging Hyunjin while he carries Jisung. I was glad, that at least Jisung has someone he can turn to. Or at least i thought so. "It's time to eat, we're done setting up." Jisung showed me a victory sign and they came out.

Hyunjin sat on the floor and let Jisung's back lean on his chest. Jisung looked so sleepy, like as if he was about to fall into his bowl if Hyunjin didn't hold him up. "Alright, let's eat" Chan gave the starting line for the rest to dive for their utensils and dig into their food. Hyunjin held Jisung up and they both ate their own food themselves. Jisung's hand were shaking and he was getting annoyed. Hyunjin put down his own and took Jisung's and started to feed him. Jisung smiled.

"Changbin hyung, aren't you gonna eat?" i turned to Felix who was looking at me with a worried expression. I patted his head "I'm going to now, don't worry."

_'I'm glad i have someone to care about me, like how Hyunjin cares about Jisung'_

**~Chan POV~**  
We ate for like five minutes and we were slowing down our eating speed. I decided this was the timing to fire our questions.

"So Hyunjin ah, where did you find Jisung? And i thought Jisung was supposed to have gone done something?"  
"I found him on the way back from the hospital. He was on a bench and he was tired so i just carried him."  
"What? Why would he be on a bench in the first place?"  
"I'm right here you know." everyone attention directed to Jisung who still looked like he was about to sleep. "Fever...hospital...Hyunjin...carry...yay~" he showed us a thumbs up.  
"Fever? You were sick since morning? Why didn't you tell us?" Changbin held Jisung's arm.  
"Because you guys were gonna have fun. It's so rare to have time for that."

We sat in the awkward silence for who knows how long until Hyunjin spoke "Mmn...i lied, we went together. I waited for him, he called me and i carried him back."  
"Why would you lie about that?" i asked him, dumbfounded that he lied.  
"Because Jisung doesn't like you guys to worry. I don't like you guys to worry." Hyunjin backhugged Jisung as Jisung laid the back of his head on him.  
"Well that's a lot to take in..." Woojin commented.

And for the fact Hyunjin just lied, i don't even know if he's hiding anything from us. At the same time, we don't know if Jisung is hiding anything from us.

"I think we're all tired tonight. Let's just wash up and go to bed. I'll take care of the dishes and trash" Changbin said as he slid over to the kitchen with his utensils and trash. We all washed up and went to sleep. Jisung slept on Hyunjin's bed with him. But a thought hit me, during the conversation at the dinner table, i never got to look at Minho's expression. I wonder how he felt.

 **~Minho POV~**  
Everyone went to sleep, i'm starting to fall asleep too.

_'I know it wasn't your fault. But the voices are drowning me. I hate that you're sick. I'm happy that Hyunjin is taking care of you. But i hope you aren't hiding anything from even the one you turn to.'_

I'm happy the surviving thoughts are here to keep me sane.


	14. Dad? Father? Hyung's Forgiveness

**~Minho POV~**  
 _'My house? Why am i here? Is this a dream?'_  
"Minho ah~" i turn to the voice. It's Dad.  
"Dad? Why are you here? Arent you-"  
"Minho ah~ i don't have much time to tell you~ Come here~" Dad signalled me over to his side.  
"What is it Dad?"  
"Take care of your brother"  
"??? I don't have a brother???" Dad caresses my head and smiles.  
"You'll find out soon enough, i left more than a mug behind for you."  
"What does that even mean? Explain in detail, Dad!"  
"He who keep the secret within himself. He who was never that far from you. And don't blame Jisung for the mug. It's just a mug" Dad gave me a cringeworthy wink and faded under the sunlight."

"Hyung~ Minho hyung~ wake up, we have to go practice~" Jeongin laid on top of me and rolled side to side making me wake up with weird groaning sounds.  
"Alright alright~ i'm up i'm up~" i laughed and Jeongin rolled off the bed to go call the others.

"What did he mean by my brother...the mug is nothing...? Don't blame Jisung...? He was never that far...? That means he's close by..."  
"What are you mumbling there by yourself~?" i looked to the side of my bed and noticed the bear smile of Woojin hyung.  
"WOAHHH!!! Since when were you there?"  
"Not long~ ahaha, let's go wash up" Woojin hyung pulled me up and out of the bed and i headed to the bathroom. I walked past Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Jisung's room. Jisung was still on Hyunjin's bed sleeping while the other two weren't in sight.

_'Dad told me to forgive him. But should i? It was just a dream. Or more...'_

**~Jisung POV~**  
 _'Minho hyung's house? Woah, it still looks like the last time i saw it...Why am i here?'_  
"Jisung ah~" i turn to the voice. It's Master Lee.  
"Master Lee? Why are you here...?"  
"Jisung ah~ Come here~" Master Lee signalled me over to his side.  
"What is it...?"  
"It's okay~ The mug you broke isn't the only thing i left for him."  
"But i still broke it...you got it for him"  
"Don't worry Jisung ah~ don't beat yourself up for it."  
"Mmn...okay..." Master Lee caresses my head and smiles.  
"Jisung ah~ i left a gift for both you and Minho. Come to this house with Minho. I'll guide you to where it's hidden."  
"A gift? For us? Okay...thanks Master Lee..."  
"It's okay to call me Dad, you know?"  
"Father...?" Master Lee/Father gave me a cringeworthy wink and faded under the sunlight.

I awoke to Minho hyung shaking me awake. "H-Huh? Ahh...wake up..." i tried running to the door and slipped.

_'I feel so tired, the world is turning sideways. I can't stop my fall. Help me...'_

I felt a pair of arms catch me. I opened my eyes and looked at Minho hyung "It's okay. Don't be afraid. Are you okay? I can tell Chan hyung that you aren't feeling well yet." he sat down beside me, held me with one arm, and placed his other hand on the side of my face and moved it closer to his chest.

_'Weird. Minho hyung is weird. What's happened to him? He should be mad at me. Why is he here? Why did he wake me up? I shouldn't tell him about the dream yet...'_

"I had a weird dream about Dad. He told me not to blame you. He told me it was just a mug, and that it wasn't the only thing left for me. I don't even know what else he left for me." Minho hyung rubbed my face with his thumb and smiled. "Sometimes i forget that you are the last person i've known for so long that's still alive. I'm sorry Jisung ah."  
"I missed you hyung...I need to go somewhere with you on our next off day, just the two of us...Master Lee told me to go with you..."  
"Dad did? Double dream...woah~ To where?"  
"A secret until that day comes."  
"Mmn, i got it"

_'Minho hyung keeps attacking me with his smiles. I hope he gets that it's so hard to break away from him.'_

"Minho? Jisung? Is anything the matter? Why are you guys on the floor?" Chan hyung's voice echoed off the walls.  
"Chan hyung~ Jisung is still tired. He couldn't even walk for more than 3 seconds." Minho hyung pouted.  
"Woah...did anything happen to the two of you overnight? And Jisung ah, you stay here and rest. I'll ask Hyunjin to stay and take care of you."

I pouted at Chan hyung while Minho hyung giggled at me.

"It's like as if you two are brothers hehe. Anyway Jisung ah, be good and not run out."

I nodded and smiled as Chan hyung went off to find Hyunjin.

**~Minho POV~**  
"It's like as if you two are brothers hehe. Anyway Jisung ah, be good and not run out."

_'We're like brothers? If only the brother Dad talked about was so easy to find.'_

"Hyung what are you zoning out at?" Jisung poked my cheek.  
"Nothing much~ Maybe about you cause you don't take care of yourself." I stood up and lifted Jisung in one motion and put him back onto Hyunjin's bed.  
"I gotta wash up and go to the training room. Take care of yourself while i'm not around, you hear?" Jisung nodded, winked, and gave me two thumbs up.

On my way out, i saw Hyunjin who was going in to Jisung's side. I pulled him into a hug and whispered into his ear "I'm counting on you~ Take care of that frail little squirrel."  
I released the hug and Hyunjin's expression was indescribable. He just nodded with his eyes wide open and his jaw hanging. "You're gonna drool, you know." I laughed and returned his jaw up.

I headed to the bathroom and heard Hyunjin screaming behind me "MINHO HYUNG IS WEIRD, HE'S POSSESSED" and the whole dorm broke into laughter at the absurdness. I met Chan hyung again in the bathroom, and we brushed our teeth side by side.

"Dad told me to forgive him." Chan looked over at me through the reflection of the mirror.  
"So you guys alright now?"  
"I am. I hope Jisung is too."  
"Hmm~" Chan nodded and gave me a thumbs up with his free hand. I giggled and returned his thumbs up with mine.

_'I really wonder where Dad told Jisung to go with me to...I can't wait'_


	15. Hug Me

**~Hyunjin POV~**  
I stared wide-eyed at Minho hyung as he winked at me and went out with the other members, leaving me and Jisung alone in the dorm together. I ran over to open the dorm door to scream at them "I STILL THINK MINHO HYUNG IS POSSESSED!" which caused all the other members including Jisung to burst into laughter and fall all over the floor. I pouted and went back into my room, but i stood in the hallway not entering. The room was empty, Jisung wasn't inside.

"Jisung ah~ Where are you?" i walked around the house scanning for him. _'Why isn't he answering me...did he collapse? Or is he just hiding...? I better find him...i need to find him...'_  
"HAN JISUNG! WHERE ARE YOU!" i shouted and my voice resounded throughtout the whole dorm.  
I heard something drop in Chan hyung and Changbin hyung's room. I ran over and turned on the light. Jisung was on floor. He didn't look uncomfortable, and he was awake, looking at me.  
"I'm sorry Hyunjin ah...i'm too tired...couldn't shout for you to know where i was at." I sat down beside him and held his hand.  
"It's alright...at least i found you. Or else i would've gotten a heart attack...or Minho hyung would have murdered me, i feel." i mumbled the last bit of my sentence.  
"What? What did you say? Minho hyung would have melted you?"  
"Close enough. The chills i get..." i shivered from the thought of Minho hyung behind every wall. "Sungie, wanna go back to our room?"  
"Yeah, let's go~" he lifted his arms up signalling for me to carry him. I picked him up, turned off the light, and went to our room.

I put Jisung down on my bed "Hyunjin ah...it seems you got used to it...seeing me this weak...carrying me around...but that doesn't sound good does it...cause that means i've been sick long enough and you taken care of me for so long...even though it's only been the second day..."  
I sat on the side of the bed and held his hand "You won't be sick for long Jisung ah...you'll get better...how bad your condition is...you'll get better...just believe in it Jisung ah...the more you feel like giving up, believe more...don't give up...i'm here...we are all here...Minho hyung is here...for you..."  
Jisung hid his face behind his hands as he started to shed tears "What would i have done...if i never met you all..."  
"Jisung ah, you don't have to think about it. You've already met us."

Jisung puts down his hands beside his head, tired. His eyes met with my smiling face. I hope at least my smile and presence can comfort him.

"Hyunjin ah..."  
"Hmm?"  
"Hug me...lift me up and hug me..." i nodded and did as he said. The warmth of my body met with his. Jisung shifted around and laid his head on my shoulder.  
"It would have been so nice if you all hugged me regularly...Changbin hyung said he only hugs the younger ones and that i'm like a hyung...at least he hugs me...but occasionally only...at least i get hugged by Chan hyung at the end of our VLIVEs..." Jisung sighed. He was whining about how the members don't hug him. Seeing it one way would be adorable but another way would be despressing. Our little squirrel just wants hugs.  
"Next time open your arms, i'll come hug you. Or even better just come hug me, i'll hug you back. And sometimes i'll go hug you by myself too."  
"...That's why i said you're weird Hyunjin ah...you could just listen and forget...but you decide to help me..."  
"I can listen, i can't forget. And if i can help you now, why won't i?" i rubbed the back of his head, letting his face sink into my shoulder.  
"Hyunjin ah...Minho hyung is so close to me...but i can't tell him anything...i'm glad he forgave me...but it hurts even more now that he doesn't hate me..." my shirt felt warm and wet where Jisung's face was. I was pained to see him like this. But this was one of the few situations i couldn't help him with.

The two things i could give him was a listening ear, and a lifetime worth of hugs filled with hidden emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author-nim : Now that i cross-posted this, the plotholes look so big and obvious. Lesson learnt, don't imagine other fanfics when you already have one.


	16. Where Are You

"And 5, and 6, and 7! Yes~" Minho and Felix who were leading the dance were satisfied with the practice to end it for the day. They both shot Chan a smile with a thumbs up.  
"Let's rest for a bit before going back guys~" Chan told the members as he patted them on the back.

**~Minho POV~**  
 _'Yes~ Finally we got the choreo down perfectly. It's time to wrap up.'_ I shot Felix a smile and he nodded, understanding my intention. We shot Chan hyung a smile with our thumbs up.  
"Let's rest for a bit before going back guys~" Chan hyung told us as he patted us on the back.

Felix and i jumped and did a double-high-five. I slid on the floor and over to the side and grabbed a bottle to drink. The members were practically either drinking water or rolling around in a mess. I loved that sight. Peace to my eyes and mind. Ever since i reconciled with Jisung, it felt like my heart and mind were being liberated. But that dream of Dad just added another burden. I wanted to know who that brother Dad talked about was. He didn't mention anything about me having a brother any time in my life while growing up. I wished Dad had just told me who he was and not leave me clues to figure it out on my own.

_'What did he even mean when he said that he was never far? I haven't been hanging around anyone other than my members for a long time. Dad loves giving such hard hints, it's like a loop in a maze.'_

I run my fingers through my hair and leaned back on the wall. I closed my eyes and organised my thoughts, necessary to sooth my mind. When i opened my eyes, Felix was squatting right in front of me staring right into my eyes. Shocked, i flinched and my head knocked on the wall. "Ahh~" i rubbed my head in pain as Felix rubbed along and laughed.

"Thinking about something, hyung?" I looked up at Felix with his starry eyes filled with curiosity. "Is it Jisungie?"  
"Jisung? Haha, if i was thinking about Sungie it wouldn't make me so confused...Or would it...?" i scratched my head in further confusion.  
"Aha, Minho hyung was confused about something but got more confused cause of Jisungie." Felix sat down and giggled.

"HYUNG!!! MINHO HYUNG!!!" Jeongin's voice resounded in the practice room as he slid over on the floor and stopped behind Felix. "I wanna ask you something, i wanna ask you something."  
"Considering that you're saying that twice, i guess you are really curious. What's up?"  
"Hyung, what happened between you and Jisung hyung? One day you guys are like fire and water, the next you guys are like the nature embraced by the moonlight."  
"Jeongin ah, ever considered being a lyricist or a poet? I smell a genius nearby." i commented, not answering the question while Felix just laughed at my comment and Jeongin whining that i didn't answer his question.

The other members gathered around and sat in circle surrounding me giving the 'we are all curious about that too' face.

"I feel so popular now that you guys are sitting in front of me curious of my story, waiting for me to speak." they all cringed at me. "Haha, just a joke. Where do you guys want me to start?"  
"I don't know. Maybe why you changed your mind and forgave Jisung so fast overnight? I don't remember you guys interacting before i slept." Chan had a serious look mixed in with a confused look.  
"Hyung, your face is so serious right now. I'm glad Jisung isn't here to see this. Bet he would've cried." I poked and pinched Chan hyung's cheeks. "No need to be so serious about this. Just thank Dad for pushing us in the direction we needed to go."  
"Master Lee? What do you mean...? Isn't he-" i cut Woojin hyung off mid-sentence.  
"He came to both Jisung and my dreams. He told us both things, things that would help. I'm not surprised, Dad always knows what's best for us. To him, Jisung was like his second son. I guess he couldn't bear to see his sons fight over something Dad said "It's just a mug". I guess after Dad left i haven't been a good acting big brother. Even when i did talk to Jisung after that, i never talked about anything deep. Even when i know that i'm just his acting big brother, i might be his only acting family alive. I keep saying acting but i feel like i'm his real older brother. Feels like i've known him forever."  
"Acting family? What happened to Jisung hyung's parents?" Jeongin peered over Felix's shoulder, questioning cautiously.

**~Chan POV~**  
"He came to both Jisung and my dreams. He told us both things, things that would help. I'm not surprised, Dad always knows what's best for us. To him, Jisung was like his second son. I guess he couldn't bear to see his sons fight over something Dad said "It's just a mug". I guess after Dad left i haven't been a good acting big brother. Even when i did talk to Jisung after that, i never talked about anything deep. Even when i know that i'm just his acting big brother, i might be his only acting family alive. I keep saying acting but i feel like i'm his real older brother. Feels like i've known him forever." Minho had such a guilt-filled smile, like as if he was smiling to comfort himself.

"Acting family? Alive? What happened to Jisung hyung's parents?" Jeongin asked.

Minho laughed awkwardly and looked down while scratching his head. Changbin looked at me, nodding that we should let the other members know.

"Well about that...we couldn't really find a timing to tell you guys about it. But now i, Christopher Bang, will lay it out for you guys."


	17. Brothers, Last Hope

**~Chan POV~**  
"Hmm... how should i start this... they're not around anymore..."  
Jeongin and Seungmin gave each other a confused look. But Felix came up front and asked a question that hit me so hard "Where'd they go? They overseas or something? Are they that busy to stay away for so long?"  
Changbin pulled his cap lower and tilted his head down, tears dripping to the floor. Woojin trying to keep a calm expression, placed his hand on Changbin's lap. They all looked at me with a sudden realization. I opened my mouth about to tell them further but Minho said softly "That's right...they're gone...Jisung doesn’t have anyone left... It still hurts me so much to see him smile like that in front of us..."

**~Minho POV~**  
Chan hyung looked so uneasy, like he didn't want the fact to shock the other members too hard. And with all honesty, the reason he's so cautious is because the first time Changbin knew, he literally bawled his eyes out and his thoughts about Jisung flooded out from his brain and out his mouth.  
"Hmm... how should i start this... they're not around anymore..."

Jeongin and Seungmin gave each other a confused look. But Felix came up front and asked Chan hyung a question that made my chest itch "Where'd they go? They overseas or something? Are they that busy to stay away for so long?"  
Changbin pulled his cap lower and tilted his head down, tears dripping to the floor. Woojin trying to keep a calm expression, placed his hand on Changbin's lap. They all looked at Chan hyung with a sudden realization.

Chan hyung opened his mouth about to tell them further but i couldn't stand it any longer "That's right...they're gone...Jisung doesn’t have anyone left... It still hurts me so much to see him smile like that in front of us..."  
"B-But that means...since when...? When...? How...?" Seungmin stuttered, eyes tearing up.  
"Three years..." i muttered, remembering how empty Jisung's eyes were when he heard the news, in front of me.

-3 Years Ago-  
I got to know Jisung through Dad. Dad and Jisung's parents were close friends in college before they migrated to Malaysia. Jisung came over to Korea every now and then to visit us, and he slowly broke the awkward phase. We got to know each other better and saved each other's numbers to communicate even when we're far. Then one day, Jisung called me "Minho hyung! I got into JYP as a trainee! I passed the audition!"  
"Aren't you in Malaysia? Was there a audition there?"  
"No hyung. I'm on study break so i came back to Korea. Then i went to try out JYP's private audition with my friend. And they said i passed."  
"Woah congrats! But Sungie, where are you gonna stay at? You don't have a house to stay in Korea right?"

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

"Hyungie~ Minho hyung~ they're coming!! They're finally coming! I finally get to see mum and dad after so long." Jisung smiled widely bouncing in his feet. I'm not surprised at how excited he is. The last time he saw his parents were three years ago before he moved to Seoul from Malaysia to become a trainee. Dad and I told him he could stay in our house, but he refused and rented an apartment next door. I smiled at him "Yeah, hasn't it been so long? Aren't you gonna get ready?" Jisung ran over to his apartment to change. He's so adorable when he gets excited.

_'I just hope nothing makes him sad...'_

I hear someone come through the front door "Sungie?" Dad walks into sight with an expression i can only describe as **despair**. At that moment, i noticed Dad's sleeves covered in dried blood, even on his pants. "What's w-wrong Dad?"  
"Jisung's parents...i couldn't save them...it happened right in front of me..." his hands shook while curled up in a fist "And he got away..."  
"W-who??"  
"The guy that hit them...they got hit by a car and he got away...RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES!!!" Dad pulled his hair. It hurt to see him like that but at the same time i thought, how were we going to tell Jisung about it.

"M-m-mum and D-dad? T-they're gone...? So i c-can't see them again?" Dad opened his eyes and stepped aside, turning around to reveal Jisung. The way he looked at Dad was almost emotionless, like as if all the emotion from his body was drained out. Dad pulled Jisung into his chest "...i'm sorry Jisung ah...i'm so sorry...".

For the next month, Jisung stayed that way. Silent and emotionless. But one day out of nowhere, he suddenly sprang back like normal and became how he was before. I never asked or spoke about his parents in front of him ever again.

-Current time-  
I told the members literally the whole story of what i remembered. Hearing it twice, Chan hyung stared at the floor while Changbin was still sniffling behind his cap. Hearing it for the first time, the other members looked devastated. Seungmin and Jeongin were now crying on each other. Felix looked like he was thinking about so many things at once. Woojin hyung looked mad, like he was really pissed "How did Jisung even keep all that emotion surpressed? It doesn't even make sense how he can look so happy like that. I get it but i don't get it. Why can't he-"  
"You know he can't, hyung...Sungie would never try to spread sadness...he would hide it even if it kills him..." Woojin hyung's expression softens into sorrow. "Or unless i force him? I don't know. But i could try...haha"  
All the members that are here listening to this look like as if they did something so bad to Jisung and they're regretting it, even those who are hearing it for a second time.

"But i wonder how i'm supposed to tell Hyunjin this...or i guess i don't have to tell him" i laughed, making the members look at me questionably. "I have a feeling that one day...Jisung might tell him himself...Nowadays i see Jisung looking at Hyunjin as if he was his own brother...Speaking of that, i just want to remind you all here. Even if we are not connected by blood, we are all his last family."

** ~Everyone's POV (Excluding Jisung and Hyunjin)~ **   
_'We are his brothers. We are his hope. We are his last. We need to protect him, before he shatters. Because...he's already broken, and we can't let the wound deepen any further...'_


	18. Changbin's Guilt

**~Chan POV~**  
After Minho told the members about Jisung's parents, their emotions crashed like the rough waves of the sea. Woojin and I had to console Changbin before leaving; his tears wouldn't stop flowing. I can't blame him, no one can. Even though Changbin had already heard about it from me before the other members, he couldn't maintain his cool. In fact, he had already moved past it along with Jisung and forgot about it, it was just too much pain for him to take. But retelling the story and making Changbin remember something he already forgotten just hurt him. It hurt him that he had forgotten it and had hurt Jisung's feelings the last couple of days. It hurt him knowing that he knew it earlier than most of the members and he could have been there for Jisung, but he moved forward and had pushed Jisung aside.

"Hyung, i f-feel so s-stupid, s-so useless...it already hurts me l-like this, i-imagine what he's going through..." Changbin hid his face in my shoulder and weeped. Woojin hugged both of us from the side and rubbed Changbin's back "Now when i think back to the times whenever i'm with him...he's always smiling...but he looks so fragile...but hyung...it hurts so much...i can't help but forget..."

"It's okay Changbin ah...it's okay for you to forget it if it's too much...i'll remember it regardless...he needs at least one pillar...but Changbin ah~" Changbin lifts his face and looks at me with fresh streaks of tears running from his reddened eyes "Just remember to praise him, assist him, and help him out if he looks off" i smiled at him and wiped his tears with my thumbs.

"Okay hyung...i just hope Jisungie is okay...even though Minho hyung forgave him...he is still the type that would overthink and blame himself..." Changbin puffed his cheeks and sighed.

"He'll be alright...he has us. Oh and Changbin ah i forgot to say this but..."  
"What?" Changbin lifted an eyebrow awaiting my reply.  
"Don't forget to hug him once in a while. Our squirrel boy loves hugs." Changbin nodded and hugged me and Woojin back.

The three of us sat there for what felt like forever while the other members were also talking at the other side of the practice room. Changbin took a look at his phone and scrolled through his messages. He stopped moving for a moment just staring at the floor beneath him, suddenly taking a deep breath to speak but stopped and sighed heavily.

"What's wrong Changbin ah?"  
"It doesn't make sense..."  
"What doesn't make sense?" Woojin and I were now holding both of Changbin's hands after he put his phone away.  
"I forgot to shut off my silent mode on my phone so i didn't know if anyone called or texted me. I just checked it and i found out that Jisung texted me in the morning after we left. But now after all this, this is ridiculous..."  
"Why? What happened? What did Jisungie say?"

Changbin took out his phone again and showed us the text he received from Jisung.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-  
-Changbin & Jisung's text-  
Our Sungie : Good morning~

Our Sungie : Did our Changbinnie hyung sleep well?

Our Sungie : Hope you guys get to wrap up the practice soon and well today.

Our Sungie : It'll be nice to see things be well and smooth without seeing you and Chan hyung wrecking your brains writing songs after that.

Our Sungie : Sorry for spilling your cola can the other day...

Our Sungie : I'm really sorry hyung...

Me : Yeah i slept well

Me : We already wrapped up now, it was fast today

Me : Ahaha aren't you talking about yourself too?

Me : It's alright, it was wrong for me to get that mad at you, sorry for that

Me : Don't beat yourself up for it, it's alright

Me : Hurry up and recover, it's cold and lonely here without you

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

"Which part of it doesn't make sense?"  
"He's just so...h-happy" Changbin started shedding tears again and laid in his own hands "It doesn't make s-sense that h-he's so happy...so many things happened within the past few days a-against him...and we all know he's would b-blame himself for each and everything...but he still smiles and t-tries to make us happy...no matter how much we h-hurt him...it d-doesn't make sense..."

Woojin put a hand on Changbin's lap "But at the same time it does make sense, Changbin ah~" Changbin looked at Woojin awaiting his comment "Because it's Jisung. Not me, not Chan, not you, not any of the rest but Jisung. Because he puts himself before the others. You could wreck him up all you want but he's still gonna come back with a smile brighter than the sun. Also because we are all he has. But it's okay, cause we're here now and we all can help him."

Changbin wiped his tears, stood up and shouted out "HAN JISUNG YOU BIG DUMBO, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SO STOPPED BEATING YOURSELF UP AND START TO LOVE YOURSELF MORE THAN YOU LOVE US!!!"

All the members that were there looked up at Changbin like he was a psycho with a knife at first but all of us including Changbin himself broke into a smile after he finished.

I stood up and hooked my arm over his shoulder "Should we head back now? Let's take all take a break today. And you Changbin~ let's procrastinate today and write tomorrow."

We all smiled and packed up our things. All thinking about our precious squirrel brother who would spend the rest of his lifetime making us happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre-Note : I literally copy pasted my author notes too
> 
> Author-nim : Hi again~ i'm procrastinating so hard even though Chan be like **"Like mate, stop procrastinating"** but haha oops. Just saying cuz i don't want to confuse you guys in the next chapter, the next chapter is the chat the other four are having at the same time this chapter is happening. And school is starting so imma write slower...maybe~ haha see you guys in the next one~ ( />w<)/


	19. Minho's View, Seungmin's Determination

**~Minho POV~**  
We could see Changbin weeping from here but we couldn't here what he was saying. I looked over at Felix and his eyes kept switching between the floor and Changbin. Jeongin and Seungmin on the other hand were a teary puddle. "Don't cry~" i attempted to comfort them but they just hugged me with their pouring tears.

"H-Hyung~ i've been so b-bad to J-Jisung hyung..." Jeongin confessed in the cuddly mess he was in.  
"Why would you think that?" i looked into his tear-filled glistening eyes.  
"Like, i know i run from his h-hugs all the time but after he broke M-Master Lee's mug, i kept thinking to myself that it's all his f-fault...i b-blamed him so hard within myself...and even when S-Seungmin hyung told me he didn't mean it...i still blamed him...and i noticed i never h-hugged him myself...he looks so l-lonely, hyung..."  
"It's alright~ at least you know now Jeongin ah~ but don't be too obvious, we don't want him finding out and get reminded that his family is gone..." Jeongin buried his face in my shoulder and weeps silently.

"B-But Minho hyung...where is your m-mum...? I've never h-heard you talk about her before...Is s-she-" i cut Felix off before his mind runs wild.  
"She's alive, don't worry. Mum is just sick so she's been hospitalised for a long time. I know someone there that takes care of her so i talk to her over the phone occasionally."  
"Thank god..." Seungmin muttered under his breath.  
"Oh...why don't you ever talk about her though? I've never heard you mention her before..." Felix shuffled over to sit closer after calming down from his mind storm.  
"Because i don't want to remind Jisung that she might leave us any day in case anything happens to her. Jisung knew her before she got sick, he's almost as attached to her as he is to me. He visited her a few times before but he always broke down in Dad and my arms."

The edges of Felix's eyebrows tilted downwards and a pout form on his face, eyes red from holding in his tears.

"You know...sometimes i feel like the more i try to help Sungie, the more he'll put on a mask and assure us that he's okay...even if he's cracking and breaking behind it..." Seungmin and Jeongin loosened the hug and went beside Felix to continue listening to me while looking like a trainwreck.

"When i opened the door that day, it was the most horrifying sight. I panicked so much, it was Dad's only gift i knew then that was left for me. Hatred blinded me then, but now when i look back, Sungie on his knees picking up the pieces. And who knows if he ever got cut by it... At that time, i really didn't care. I couldn't even think of how devastated he felt for breaking that. When i saw him sleeping on the couch the next morning, i didn't even think whether he was comfortable or not. All i thought about in that moment was _**why was he there**_. Then when we went to the zoo, all i could think about was him and the mug. I told Woojin hyung i knew it wasn't his fault, but deep inside i felt like i should never reconcile with him even if it was for the sake of the team." i paused for a while to sigh and look at the three members with pouty faces listening to me.

"But being at the zoo made me forget things for a while and just relax. After that we went to buy food and Chan hyung wanted to call Jisungie but took so long to find his number so i just took his phone and typed it in. I felt conflicted then, and a bit sour about how things turned from white to black. Then Chan hyung suddenly said out loud that Hyunjin was carrying Jisung. At that moment, i felt uneasiness flow inside of me. I seriously feared for Sungie's life, cause he always carries everyone else but never gets carried. I went back and forth from _**why should i care**_ to _**is he alright?**_ On the road back home, i kept thinking back to when we were always stuck together like glue and always took care of one another. We reached the outside of out apartment entrance, and i heard Chan hyung call out to Hyunjin."

Felix looked on the floor like her was replaying the moment he saw Jisung cradled in Hyunjin's arms in his mind. I ruffled his hair and continued.

"I honestly have never seen Jisung that weak before, the sight scared me. My eyes didn't want to look at him but i felt the need to glance at him every now and then. Then on it scared me to look at him, he looked like he would shut his eyes and not open them again. It freaked me out. I hated him but something inside of me said that it wasn't worth it. I was so grateful to know that Hyunjin was there for Jisung when he took him to the hospital, at least there was someone there for him. That night, i spent an hour thinking about whether i should forgive him before sleeping. Then i dreamed of Dad, and i'm glad i did. Dad reminded me the importance of the role as his older brother just by saying **_'it's just a mug'_**. The morning after i went to make it up with him, and even though it started with him attempting to run away and almost falling, it all ended well."

"You are so strong, hyung..." Seungmin whispered. I looked at him. Even while looking like a train wreck after crying for a while, he gave a kind and warm smile. Felix and Jeongin followed, and we had a group hug.

"I'm glad you told us all this, hyung. It tells us a lot more about what you think that we couldn't see." Jeongin giggled softly.

 **~Seungmin POV~**  
Minho hyung told us the whole story from the start of the fallout until the making up process. My heart ached just thinking about them. Hyung said that he hated Jisung for a period of time to the point he didn't even want to make up, but after seeing Jisung so weak, hyung said he feared for Jisung's life. It reminded me how bonded we are but also told me how close Jisung is to hyung and how much he means to him.

That night when i came out to greet them at the door, i didn't expect Jisung to be carried by Hyunjin. And he looked so weak and tired as compared to his usual self, but he still assured me he was okay. It freaked me out then on. I started thinking if he was okay, and i thought back to every moment he smiled. I tried to analyze his smile to see past his mask, but i couldn't notice anything.

I felt relieved to know that even when all of us excluding Woojin hyung were mad at him, for some reason Hyunjin decided to look past his anger and take care of Jisung while all of us weren't even in the house. Hearing Jeongin being confused on whether he was supposed to blame or not blame Jisung was a saddening sight. I even question myself that night when it happened, why was i mad at Jisungie? I can't even imagine the emotions he would have felt then and there. All he could see were his members walking away, not helping or comforting him. Even though i slept later than i usually did that night, i didn't feel anything when i didn't hear him come into the room, which he didn't.

On the morning after, i saw Jisungie sleeping on the couch. I then slowly questioned myself why i got mad, then decided to forgive him. It was hard to take my eyes off his hand that was twitching ever so slighting when he breathed. I walked over and held his hand until it stopped twitching and laid it down to his side. He felt warm, warmer than usual but not to the point of a fever. At that moment, i hoped that it wouldn't progress into a fever. I was about to walk off then i noticed Jisungie's foot had a slightly deep cut that i'm assuming was sloppily patched up by himself. I cleaned it up and patched it up nicely with enough tension for the wound to close up by itself. I went in our room and looked through his wardrobe for his socks, i took a pair and put it on for him. Something told me he didn't want anyone else to see his wound. I rubbed his chest softly, ruffled his hair, and started my day before going to school.

The night Hyunjin carried Jisung home, i kept my urge to panic and run everywhere surpressed within myself. Though i guess it show in my expression since Jisungie poked me and reassured me. It made me sad thinking about how he could see through me but i couldn't see through him. When Hyunjin confessed he briefly lied for Jisungie, it made me realised how much Hyunjin was willing to do for Jisung. But it also made me think how often had Jisung lied on him own. When they slept that night, it was the most soothing thing ever to hear them breathing one after another.

When i heard Minho hyung forgave him, i felt happy for Jisungie. At least he had one less thing to worry about. But after thinking about everything, i was determined to check on Jisung every now and then. I felt the need to check on him even if he was alright. He need the love and care, and if i can be of any help, i will.

"You are so strong, hyung..." i whispered. I felt the need to say it, it felt the need for Minho hyung to know. Minho hyung looked at me. I gave Minho hyung a kind and warm smile that he deserved. Felix and Jeongin followed, and we had a group hug.

"I'm glad you told us all this, hyung. It tells us a lot more about what you think that we couldn't see." Jeongin giggled softly. I'm glad Jeongin doesn't look conflicted anymore.

Changbin hyung suddenly stood up and shouted out "HAN JISUNG YOU BIG DUMBO, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SO STOPPED BEATING YOURSELF UP AND START TO LOVE YOURSELF MORE THAN YOU LOVE US!!!"

All the members that were there looked up at Changbin hyung like he was a psycho with a knife at first but all of us including Changbin hyung himself broke into a smile after he finished.

Chan hyung stood up and hooked his arm over Changbin hyung's shoulder "Should we head back now? Let's take all take a break today. And you Changbin~ let's procrastinate today and write tomorrow."

We all smiled and packed up our things. All thinking about our precious squirrel brother who would spend the rest of his lifetime making us happy.

But i wanted to do more for him, i wanted him to feel the love he deserved from us. And i don't know who thinks the same, but i'm gonna take the first step. **For him**.


	20. Silent Guardian's Gratitude

**~Seungmin POV~**  
All of us stumbled back to the dorm while chatting in our little groups, occasionally erupting in laughter as a whole. Felix was at the front with Changbin hyung, holding and swinging their interlocked hands. Changbin hyung pouted as Felix told him stories, every once in a while whispering something to Felix only for Felix to pull him closer each time, smiling. I was happy for Changbin hyung. Felix cared for him so much, he probably won't feel lonely with him around.

In the middle were me and Jeongin. Jeongin normally would run away from me since i like teasing him so much even when we're walking but after all the crying just now, he's now stuck to my side, loosely holding on to my shirt sleeve. We took more time listening than talking, smiling when our eyes made contact with each other. I guess i'm laying off the teasing for today. At least my presence comforted him.

Behind us were Chan hyung and Woojin hyung whose necks had Minho hyung's arms hooked around. I could barely hear but Minho hyung sounded like he was talking about Jisung when he was still younger and awkward. Chan hyung and Woojin hyung seemed amused and laughed every few seconds. Minho hyung seemed so eager to share stories of Jisungie, his eyes shimmered with excitement. Chan hyung and Woojin hyung looked like they were listening to the best story in their lives.

It started drizzling so we sped up and reached the door in no time. Chan hyung opened the door and we all slid and piled on each other in the living room, tired. Hyunjin and Jisung were nowhere in sight and i was curious as to where they were. I went to the first place i expected them to be at, and i found them. Jisungie was sleeping on Hyunjin's bed with his arm slung over Hyunjin's back, while Hyunjin was sitting beside him but upper body laid over Jisungie. I walked over for a closer look, and i could see dried tear tracks on the side of Jisungie's face. I did what i thought i had to do, i slipped into the bathroom silently and wet a cloth, walked back and wiped Jisungie's face with it. He seemed deep asleep considering he didn't react to what i was doing. Hyunjin on the other hand slowly woke up and looked and me, then at Jisungie, then back at me.

"I-"  
"Thanks, Hyunjin ah~" i smiled at him and gave him a quick side hug and slid out the room.

_'I'm so thankful to Hyunjin for being there for Jisungie. I don't even know how to express my feelings openly to Jisungie and help him. I only know how to secretly help him when he's out cold. I was so happy that Hyunjin was there for Jisungie, and i'm glad Jisungie let's Hyunjin be there for him.'_

I walked past the living room where everyone except Hyunjin, Jisung and Chan hyung were and went toward the kitchen but heard laptop clicks in Chan hyung and Changbin hyung's room, i turned around to peek inside. Chan hyung was on my laptop, looking like he was already editing songs after coming back before eating. I slid in and called out for him "Chan hyung~" he turned around and looked at me.

"Seungmin? What's the matter? Hmm~? Why are you grinning like that?"

 **~Chan POV~**  
I heard Seungmin call my name from the door and i looked at him "Seungmin? What's the matter? Hmm~? Why are you grinning like that?" i noticed Seungmin was grinning widely and his eyes' were smiling with it. Seungmin walked closer to me, slowly guiding me off my chair.

"Hyung~" Seungmin started while looking deeply into my eyes.

_'I honestly thought Seungmin might talk to me about his problems or if he was depressed or something. I guess i was afraid his smile had another meaning like everytime i look at Jisung.'_

"Chan hyung~" Seungmin pulled me into a hug and further whispered "Thanks for gathering us and making Stray Kids~ My life won't be the same now if it weren't for you. Thank you..."

I was speechless and i couldn't find the words to say, so i just wrapped my arms around his back and hugged him tight. Who knows how long had passed while we were hugging in silence, but feeling Seungmin not loosen his arms made me want to hold him longer. I don't want to risk another brother falling into the depths of depression and hide in silence.

"Chan hyung~ let's go order something to eat~ i'm hungry~"  
"Alright, let's go~"

Everyone except Hyunjin and Jisung were on the living room floor ordering take-out food on the phone. Hyunjin peeked his head out from the room and shout-whispered "Sungie and i will get the same thing we got last time~" before retreating back into the room. We all giggled happily together. I just hoped Jisungie would soon pour out his feelings instead of keeping it in himself. Even if it's just to Hyunjin, as long as he lessen's the weight on his chest.

Things seemed to be going up and down for the past few days, i can't help but feel like something is gonna happen to Jisungie. I won't tell the other members about my view on this but i'll keep an eye on him.

_'I don't want to lose any of them. It took so long for fate to bring us together, i'm not gonna let it bring us apart. And if that happens, i will deny fate for the sake of our little family. For i am, Stray Kids' Silent Guardian'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author-nim: Aight~ that was a bit of a cringe ride at the end but i don't regret it. I type whatever i imagine. And apparently school started and i assumed i would write slower but no~ i sped up. But it's all about how fast i can imagine and write it out as words. I'm so soft for the Skz loving and caring for each other. It's gonna take so long for this series to end but stick around~ it'll be nice...i think hahaha
> 
> **Enjoy!!!**


	21. Warmth

**~Hyunjin POV~**  
The last thing i remembered was Jisungie tearing up on me, whatever happened after that was foggy in my memory. And now i see Seungmin beside me, looking at us. He had a cloth in his hand and Jisung's face was wiped from where his dried tear tracks should have been. I didn't know what to think or what to say. Seungmin was standing there, literally just standing there like he was processing what to say or waiting for me to say something. I couldn't think of anything to say but i had to do it fast to escape the awkward silence.

"I-" i managed to choke out before Seungmin cut me off.  
"Thanks, Hyunjin ah~" Seungmin smiled at me and gave me a quick side hug and slid out of our room.

"Thanks...?" i wondered deeply why he would thank me. I've always been the one who would pour my feelings out on him, while he had rarely shown any negative emotion, just there listening to me and comforting me. Sometimes i wonder what Seungmin is thinking; what words had not left him. But i feel like Seungmin would be the one who would fully sympathize with Jisungie in his current situation. Sometimes i feel like i want to tell the members about Jisungie having a personal doctor and that he might be more sick than we think, but at the same time, i feel like it isn't the right time to reveal anything about Jisungie and for me to assume things by myself.

_'But i just can't shake off that memory of Younghyun hyung handing me his namecard with the message on the back to call him if anything happens to Sungie. That means it's just that bad. Probably even worse than i can possibly think.'_

I looked from the empty hallway that Seungmin just left from back to Jisungie's sleeping figure. 'It's been a rough week, hasn't it...?" was all i could mutter out as i caressed his head. Like Sungie said, i think i've grown accustomed to seeing him so weak and tired but at the same time i feel like i should have already taken care of him like this from the start. In that case, maybe he wouldn't have been hurting so bad.

A notification rang from my phone. It was a text from Changbin hyung.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-  
-Changbin & Hyunjin's text-  
Binnie Hyung : Jinnie~ we're about to order food.

Binnie Hyung : Wanna pop out and tell us yours and Sungie's order?

Me : One popping Jinnie head coming right up~

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

I popped my head out the corner from in the room and shout-whispered "Sungie and i will get the same thing we got last time~" i turned back into the room and heard the members giggling in the living room. I giggled at their giggles and slowly returned to Jisungie's side. I sat down on the free space on the bed at his side. I took my time to look at Jisungie, from his skin that had slowly turned paler than when i had first met him to his eyebrows which i had caught on multiple occasions these days being angled downward at the sides. I loosely held the top of his hand as another notification rang in.

It was another text from Changbin hyung.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-  
-Changbin & Hyunjin's text-  
Binnie Hyung : Jinnie ah~ how's Sungie doing?

Me : Well...I can't lie about this, he has way better days. But he's gonna be alright i think. Or i hope...

Binnie Hyung : Hmm~

Binnie Hyung : Jinnie, thanks for taking care of our Sungie while we were busy being annoyed. Who knows how much more he would have suffered without you... Hyungie here wants to give you a hug~

Me : Well that was out of nowhere...

Me : Binnie hyung, i wanna ask you something but i don't know if i should...

Binnie Hyung : Don't worry about it~ Fire away them questions!

Me : It's a question about Sungie...

Me : Was he always this sick? Like sick to the point he can be bedridden and not wake up no matter how much you try?

Binnie Hyung : Tough question but i don't think so

Binnie Hyung : When Sungie was sick back then, he never told me. Ever.

Binnie Hyung : But i would see Chan hyung passing him meds here and there so i guess it was Chan hyung that kept Jisung away from being in that bad of a state.

Binnie Hyung : But he's been so busy these days, he doesn't have enough time to spare a look to Jisung.

Me : Binnie hyung...i'm scared

Me : I have a feeling that Jisungie is really sick but he's not telling any of us. It was already hard enough for him to ask me to carry him back here

Me : I don't know... maybe you can help keep an eye out for him?

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

Changbin hyung hadn't replied in a minute, and i heard footsteps coming in the room. I turned to face Changbin hyung who also sat down beside Jisungie.

"I will."  
"Did you walk in here just to tell me that, hyung?" Changbin hyung patted my back and nodded. I didn't know what else to say. I wanted to thank him but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth.

"Hyunjin ah~ Sungie has told me about this once, and once only. But just wanna tell it to you in case you are already experiencing or before you experience it, don't listen to the voices in your head. They like to guide you down the wrong lane. Resist it."

I nodded and rubbed my thumb on Jisungie hand for comfort.

"J-Jinnie...? B-Binnie hyung? Why are both of you sitting on the side of the bed back-faced me?"  
"Cause you're cute" Changbin hyung pinched Jisungie's cheeks and headed out to the living room but not before ruffling Jisungie's hair.

"Ahh~ i forgot to tell you, Sungie. They ordered food, so i told them to get the same order they got for us last time." i turned to look at Jisung who was covering his face with his hands. His ears were bright pink. He hummed in acknowledgement.

"Sungie? Are you blushing? Why are you blushing?" i giggled as i rubbed his chest.  
"Binnie hyung called me cute as i just woke up, and i'm half asleep so i have no idea what's going on. And also cause Jinnie stayed by my side...so i'm touched..."  
"Now you're so adorable." i leaned in and cuddled with Sungie as he whined but soon buried himself in my chest.  
"So now apparently i'm cute and adorable, who would soon turned into a nightmare when you try to wake him up to eat."  
"Why would you become a nightmare why i'm gonna wake you up to eat."  
"Cause you'll die of cuteness overload. Beware of the stray squirrel."

**~Jisung POV~**  
The warmth of my members.

The warmth of family.

The warmth of brothers.

If i didn't have the warmth in time, i would probably been gone that morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author-nim : Aight~ guess who's writing has slammed the brakes. Bless my poor Stay soul, i've been hit by three projects in a week (and i haven't completed a single one of them) If i had the choice of having this Stray Kids fic writing as a job, i would gladly take it. First i speed up and i slam the brakes. So sorry i can't keep up my pace...my pace?
> 
>    
>  ** _No need to rush, my pace_**  
>  ** _Don’t compare_**  
>  ** _It’s alright to go slowly_**  
>  ** _Go on your own path, my lane_**  
>  ** _Put down your impatience_**  
>  ** _Just keep looking forward_**  
>  ** _You ready, let’s go_**
> 
>    
>  ** _Nananananana_**  
>  ** _Just stay in my lane_**  
>  ** _Nananananana_**
> 
>  
> 
> Author-nim : Did i just copy part of My Pace in? Yes, yes i did. I needa have fun. Haha but i love this fic so i ain't gonna abandon it. Enjoy this and the further chapters. Stay positive and rest well~ Let's all board the train of happiness. This is such a long author's note but haha, it's fun. Peace out~


	22. Voices (Part 1)

**~Changbin POV~**  
I'm worried for Jisungie. That one time he told me about the voices, was the last time he told me about anything bad. Even then, he hid behind his mask and controlled his feelings. But his eyes...were broken, distorted, shattered. The smile he displayed was bright and nothing seemed off about that but his eyes were so dark. Like as if it was darkened by the shadows trying to consume him. But all he told me was "It's scary hyung, but don't listen to the voices in your head. They like to guide you down the wrong lane. Resist it. Before it consumes you."

-2 Years Ago-  
I've known Jisungie for about half a year now and i have a feeling he's starting to warm up to me, he seems to express his emotions more now.

It was 7:45pm. I had finally finished all my classes and practices for the day.

"Hyung! Changbin hyung!" i turn around to see Jisungie flying towards me as i reached out to catch him before he falls. He gets down from my arms and giggles "Hehe hyung, i didn't expect you to catch me."  
"Does that mean you were preparing to hit the floor, Sung ah?" i felt my own lips curve downward.

Jisungie looked at my expression then tilted his head downward and looked at the floor "...I'm sorry hyung..." i could see shiny droplets fall from his face.

"Sung ah?? Are you crying? Why are you crying? I'm sorry, Sung ah. Hyung didn't mean to be mad at you." i held up his face and wiped his tears with my sleeve, which only seemed to make him cry more. I panicked and pulled him in for a hug, as i held the back of his head with one hand and rubbed his back with the other. "I-It's not H-Hyungie's fault...it's just that i r-really didn't think about i-if i had fallen...i-if you didn't catch me...i f-feel bad for not p-planning ahead..."

I held him tighter in my arms and i felt him melt on me, his legs losing strength as he started leaning on me more for support. I swept him up and carried him over to the sofa at the side of the practice room. I sat down slowly and continued rubbing his back and patting his head. "S-sorry hyung..." his voice cracked through the fabric of my shirt. "It's alright, hyung is here to catch you anyway."

I heard the room door open and Chan hyung walked in and stopped when he looked at us through the reflection in the mirror. He quietly put down his things and walked over softly and sat down beside us. Chan hyung looked at Jisungie, then at me, and he mouthed _"What happened?"_ i held Jisung tight in my grip and mouthed back at Chan hyung _"It's my fault. Was being a bad hyung."_

He then looked at me and mouthed _"Should i talk to him now?"_ and i nodded. Chan hyung then walked to the other side of the sofa where it's closer to Jisung, sat down beside Jisung who is still hugging me koala-style, and started "Sungie? It's me, Chan hyung." Jisungie peeked at him and reached his hand out to grab Chan hyung's hand. He then shifted his head back to lean on my shoulder. Who knows how long has past and Jisungie still stayed silent, but we both noticed that Jisungie's breathing had already slowed down and his grip on Chan hyung's hand had loosened.

 _"He must be_ _exhausted._ _Let's bring him home, i'll pack the things for you guys."_ Chan hyung mouthed at me as he went over to pack our stuff. I slowly but carefully stood up while still carrying Jisungie the whole time, and walked home.

At that time, Hyunjin and Jeongin were already living in our dorm and opened the door to an interesting sight. Jeongin stood there frozen with his jaw wide open, while Hyunjin came over and help Chan hyung take our things to our rooms. I laid Jisungie down on his bed in Hyunjin, Jeongin and his room. I turned on the AC and covered him with his blanket, not without brushing his hair aside to reveal his puffy eyes. I felt angry at myself. The rest of us four gathered in Chan hyung and my room.

We all sat down and before Chan hyung gets to say anything, we all notice Jeongin fidgeting in his place. "Innie? He's alright, it's not very serious." i reassured Jeongin and he relaxed. "Hyung, what happened to Sungie? Is he sick?" i was finding the words to say as Chan hyung found his before me "Jisungie isn't sick. He was just a little stressed out i think. But if we need more information, we need to ask Changbinnie. Only he was there. I came after it all happened." Chan hyung looked over at me and i nodded.

"I finished my schedule for the day and Jisungie came jumping towards me. But it was at such an angle where if i hadn't catch him in time, he would have hit the floor. So i got a little mad and asked him if he actually prepared to hit the floor. He then started crying and said that he didn't think about that and kept apologizing to me. I guess his schedule and all the crying drained his energy, he seems to be well asleep."

I felt guilty, that i made Jisungie cry. I just didn't want him to hurt himself, but i didn't expect i would get mad and that he would cry.

Hyunjin and Jeongin both looked a little sad. I glanced over to Chan hyung and he had a face of relief "Ohh, so that's what you meant by you were being a bad hyung. I thought you did something else. Bin ah, that's called being a good hyung. You cared for him. Though i guess you did scare him haha." he smiled ruffled both Hyunjin and Jeongin's hair "Nothing to worry about. He'll be fine. If you guys are still worried, keep an eye out for him but don't make it too obvious." they nodded.

I needed to talk to Jisungie but i wanted to wait until he woke up. He required the rest he was getting after the bad day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author-nim : Sup, i'm still busy but i need to take out my feelings on my fanfics so...here are two new chapters. I didn't wanna post it so far apart cause well, i don't want you guys to read this chapter and forget it while reading the next cause they connect. These two chapters are flashbacks at a time where Stray Kids only had "3RACHA, Jeongin, and Hyunjin" inside (mainly because i don't know the real order). Anyway, enjoy reading~


	23. Voices (Part 2)

**~Changbin POV~**  
-Still 2 Years Ago-  
I decided to go to sleep and talk to Jisungie after we're both awake. Chan hyung decided to stay awake a while longer to produce the tunes that suddenly popped into his head "Bin ah, i'll keep it down but you can go to sleep first. I'll stay up for a while longer, the tunes are coming in. Tell me if i'm too noisy, i'll go out." i nodded as we said our _goodnights_ and i drifted off to sleep.

I awoke to light snores to my side and i faced it to see Chan hyung napping on the chair with his laptop still on his lap. I stretch and walked over to place his laptop on the table and covered him with my jacket that was hanging on my chair. I walked to the kitchen and reached into the fridge for a bottle of water. I stood there mindlessly chugging the cold water. Out of nowhere, i felt something tug on my shirt. I turned around to reveal a tired-looking Jisungie, eyes fixated on his fingers which were holding on to my shirt. I returned the bottle to its' place, and turned back around to Jisungie "Sung ah? What's wrong? Can't sleep?"

"Mmn...nightmare...i hit the floor...and h-hyung..." Jisungie started choking up with tears "h-hyung stood there and said...that i deserved it..." i pulled him into a hug and used my hand to guide his face onto my shoulder to avoid him choking up more, in case he goes into detail of the nightmare. I rubbed his back and hummed into his ear until he mumbles "Bin hyung won't ever think like that right?"

"No, Sung ah. Bin hyung loves and cares about you. Bin hyung won't ever think like that." Jisungie lifted his face from my shoulder and looked at me.  
"Thanks hyung...i really need you" Jisungie hugged me one last time, said our _goodnights_ , and went back to sleep. I felt relieved that he came and told me about it so that i could at least tell him that it wasn't true and so i could comfort him. That too had made me relax, knowing that i resolved it. So i went back to bed with a calm mind, fully relaxed, and fell asleep again.

_**Later on in Chan hyung and my room...** _

Chan hyung was awake and was now going on a producing frenzy, clicking away without hesitation. Jisungie was at my table scribbling down his 8 versions of the lyrics he thought of, while occassionally tapping his fingers on the table to make the beat as he mouthed out the rap. I was attempting to write out my lyrics while on my bed. I looked down at my notebook, only two words written. I couldn't think of the appropriate way to lay the words down, and i had gotten stuck on the words "What if"

My fingers tapped impatiently on my knee as i unintentionally halt my thinking process. I looked back up at Jisungie who already looked like he was about to think of the 120th version, then back down at my own notebook.

 _ **'Pathetic'**_ a voice drowned with poison echoed through my mind. It sent chills down my spine. Never have i once experienced an invisible unknown source of sound fill my head. It frightened me but it drowned me. _**'Why can't you think of anything, you useless trash. Look at Jisung, so productive and hard working. Look at yourself, pathetic. You aren't trying hard enough. You aren't enough for them.'**_

I snapped out of the trance when i felt something shaking my thigh. I looked up to see Jisungie squatting on the floor in front of me while staring at me with a face full of worry. I could feel his fingers tremble a little and i held his hand to assure him i was fine. "I'm okay, Sung ah. Don't worry, it's just that i have a lot on my mind. And i'm stuck on my lyrics." Jisungie hummed in acknowledgement but i could hear his voice shake a bit. He made his way to my side and sat down "Mind to share what you have written? Maybe i can help..." He sounded unsure whether he should offer help to me or not, but i nodded and showed his the two words.

"What if? Hmm..." Jisungie squeezed his eyes close and covered his ears. I was about to ask him what he was doing before he shot his eyes open and looked at me, smiling widely "Bin Hyung, what about writing about saying something and it really happening infront of your eyes. Struggles, emptiness, locked, pain..." Jisungie's eyes dazed off as he bit his bottom lip so hard that it drew blood, eyes still not focused. "Sung!" i shook him and he jolted, releasing his poor lip from his teeth. I dragged him out to the kitchen and made him rinse his mouth with salt-mixed water. He held his mouth with his eyes shut and trembled as he crouched down on the floor, a small whine escaping his lips. "Sorry Sung. I don't wanna risk you getting on infection. Are you okay?"

Jisungie's hands released his mouth and found its way to grab me over to hug "I-I'm so sorry h-hyung...the lyrics is so m-messed up...but t-that was all i c-could think about." he was crying again. Because of me. If only i didn't tell him i was stuck. If only i had written it out faster. If only...

Jisungie tightened his hug and i could hear him mumble through my shirt "It's scary hyung, but don't listen to the voices in your head. They like to guide you down the wrong lane. Resist it. Before it consumes you." his voice shivered "Save yourself...i can't do it..."

"Sungie? It's okay. Hyung is okay. Hyung feels fine now. Don't cry. Do you wanna talk about it?" Jisungie released his hug and pulled me to the living room and we sat there for three hours talking about the deafening voices and how he coped with it. He said once he almost listened to the voice while passing a bridge but Chan hyung hugged him and asked why he stopped walking. Chan hyung was Jisungie's lifeline, and probably still is.

But never had i thought that the young sun had a huge shadow enveloping him as he desperately found ways to distract and help himself.

A lesson he taught me which i never thought i would use to help someone else two years down the road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author-nim : Haha, two chapters. Ain't i fun~ The next chapter probably won't come out so fast. Deadlines are coming faster. Enjoy reading~ Peace~


	24. Sung ah, Bin Hyung

**~Hyunjin POV~**  
Jisungie sat up from my bed and stared at me "Jinnie, i think i can walk by myself now, i feel better after sleeping. Wanna help me try? Just in case i'm wrong and i fall." I ruffled his hair "Mmn, i'm right here. Let's try. Let me help you up." i pulled him up as he stabled his balance. He slowly walked out to the hallway, turned around and smiled at me "I did it~" he giggled and leaned his back on the wall. I went over and hugged him, whispering "Good job, i believed in you. I knew you could do it."

"Sungie, i need to use the toilet. You wanna slowly waddle over to the rest? I'm sure the food will be arriving soon." he nodded and walked slowly to the living room but not without mumbling "i'm not waddling..." i heaved a sigh of relief. Jisungie was getting better, that by itself is already a good sign considering whatever happened in the past few days. Deep in thought, i almost forgot my desire to use the toilet was urgent and i hurried.

 **~Jisung POV~**  
I slowly dragged my feet across the medium-lengthed hallway, while still leaning on the side of the wall. It didn't hurt but i guess i was still exhausted and haven't fully recovered. I see a figure slowly approach me from the living room. "Jisung? You alright now? Where's Hyunjin? You sure you can walk on your own?" as expected from my rival, Changbin hyung even raps his questions so fast. "Changbin hyung~" i stumbled onto him and he wraps his hands round my back catching me.

"Jinnie is using the toilet. I told him i could walk and we tried, and i can walk on my own but slowly. It doesn't hurt to walk but it's tiring. Maybe need like one more nap and i'm good to go." At this moment, i fully registered that he **caught** me...again. I leaned my head on his shoulder. "Hyung...you really didn't lie when you said you'd catch me. But i swear, this time wasn't on purpose."

"Of course i'd catch you, Jisung ah. I'm here. If i didn't, i would've become my worst enemy right here and now. And i know it wasn't on purpose. I trust you...Sung ah"

 _ **'Sung ah'**_ i haven't heard Changbin hyung call me that ever since the start of the survival show. Hearing it bring me back to the days where i was so close to Changbin hyung. I missed this feeling, this warmth. From Bin hyung.

"I missed you...Bin hyung...i missed you a lot..." i wrapped my arms round his body and hugged him tight as if he was about to go somewhere far away. "Sung? You alright? You can always come to me if you wanna talk." i felt Bin hyung's warm hands pat my head and rub my back.

"Hyung...i have so much to tell you..."  
"You do? Wanna tell me about it now? I think we still have a bit of time before the food comes. It's raining outside, probably gonna slow down the deliveryman."  
"No hyung...i don't wanna talk about it now..."  
"Mmn, take your time. Hyung is always here for you."  
"Hyung..."  
"What is it, Sung ah?"  
"Can you...if possible...hug me more...? You always hug the other young line members...I want warm hugs from Bin hyung too..."

After hearing that, his hands paused for awhile before pulling me closer and hugging me like his favorite child. "I'm sorry if i made you jealous, Sung ah. Hyung is sorry. Hyung promise to gives you more hugs."  
"Hyung doesn't need to apologize. I was just missing the warmth from your arms."

I stood there silent with Bin hyung. I was taking all the time in the world to absorb the warmth from his arms to soothe my body and emotions. Hugging Bin hyung was never a bad thing. He always gave those hugs where no matter how fast that hug was, it still felt warm. He began to pat my back with a continuous slow rhythm which had started to make me feel sleepy. I was now fully resting my head on Bin hyung's shoulder and my legs were starting to give out to sleepiness.

"Sung, you can go to sleep first. I'll wake you up when it's time to eat. I'm gonna carry you now and give you lots of time to feel Hyung's warmth, okay?" i hummed in agreement and fell asleep not long after he lifted me off the ground.

 **~Changbin POV~**  
Sung and I were standing there just hugging each other for a long while. I guess he really missed my hugs that much. After a while, i started feeling the weight from Sung get heavier and heavier. I guessed it was time for me to carry him and let him sleep while giving him the wamrth he deserves.

"Sung, you can go to sleep first. I'll wake you up when it's time to eat. I'm gonna carry you now and give you lots of time to feel Hyung's warmth, okay?" Sung hummed in agreement. I bent down and lifted his legs off the ground, And as soon as i shifted him properly to my shoulder, i felt his arms loosened his grip around my neck.

"Well you sleep fast. Should've just messaged Hyunjin just now. Maybe you'd get more sleep if i didn't come in." I softed hummed the tune of our song "I Am You" and patted his back along to the beat.

I walked over to the toilet door and stood there, waiting for Hyunjin to come out. My original intent of walking down the hallway was to talk to Hyunjin about Sung and the voices. But seeing Sung walking towards the living room alone like that was just sad, and i couldn't bear to walk past him and leave him alone.

Maybe Hyunjin was right. Maybe Sung is more sick that we could ever think of. I'm gonna keep my eye on him.

I'm not gonna make the same mistake again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author-nim : Guess who took 2 hours from 12:30 am to 2:30 am to write this. Me. But well, this chapter took me two hours but it looks alright enough for me to post it. And then i'll forget the chapter and i'd have to come back to read it when i write the next chapter. But that happens all the time. Haha, enjoy reading, Peace~


	25. Jisung's Voices

**~Hyunjin POV~**  
I tried clearing my thoughts while relieving myself but my mind is crowded with thoughts and worries. I want to take care of Jisungie and i want to know what's wrong with him but it's hard when i don't know everything and he isn't telling me anything. I sighed as i washed my hands, looking into the mirror. I looked tired in my reflection, but that's not gonna stop me from taking care of Jisungie. If anything, he needs the world embracing him right now. I dragged my feet over to the door wondering if Jisungie already got to the living room with the others. As i opened the door, i was greeted with the sight of Changbin hyung humming "I Am You" and patting Jisungie's back while he carries him.

"Hyung? Why are you and Jisung here?" i whispered loud enough for Changbin hyung to hear, and he looked up at me, smiling.  
"I was here to talk to you but i saw him walking over slowly so i picked him up and asked him to sleep first. But i'm still here to talk to you anyway."

I fully stepped outside the toilet and turned off the light.

"What do you wanna talk about, Hyung?"  
"I wanted to talk about Sung...and his voices. I have a feeling that you should know, so that maybe you could understand him better."

Honestly, at that moment i would normally have been surprised about Changbin hyung trying to telling me about Jisungie's voices which i hadn't known about yet, but hearing him call Jisungie 'Sung' was more surprising. I hadn't heard that in a long while and hearing it after so long makes my ears can't help but not miss it.

"Do you wanna talk about it right now? Right here?" i questioned Changbin hyung in case he wanted to talk about it elsewhere or another time since the food should be here any minute.  
"Yeah right here and yea right now. I can't keep it short but i can talk faster. The thing is...can you understand me when i start speaking fast?" i nodded.  
"And this might confuse you but i'm gonna talk in a rhythm so it's gonna sound like i'm rapping but it's just so it can sound in a beat and Sung can sleep better while i talk." i nodded and gestured for him to start.

"So remember back when only Chan hyung, me, Sung, you and Jeongin stayed in the trainee dorm. That time i said i was a bad hyung and made Sung cry. Yeah later on i woke up halfway in the morning and he came to find me in the kitchen which i was at then. He told me he had a nightmare about me not catching him and me telling him that he deserved it. He cried a lot then, and i felt bad since it all started when i asked him the question at the practice room. " he paused to breathe and rubbed Jisungie's back while also leaning his face on Jisungie's neck.

"Later on after we slept and awoke again, he came to Chan hyung and my room and we started writing lyrics while Chan hyung was producing a song. I was stuck on my lyrics and those irritating toxic voices came and clawed at my mind. That was the first time i ever had the voices and it scared me. I felt Sung shaking my thigh and i came back to reality. He asked if he could help me with my lyrics and i agreed. Then what came out of his mouth were his demons clawing at every part of his mind. 'Struggles, emptiness, locked, pain' he said that and he bit his lip so hard that it started bleeding."

"Ohh, so that's why he had a cut on his lip then. I asked Chan hyung but he shrugged and said he didn't know."  
"Oh about that part...Chan hyung was there but he wasn't there, he was too focused on producing and his headphones might've blocked out the sound but he didn't see it happen."   
"Oh...that explains it. You can continue, hyung"

"Then Sung started crying and apologized saying that all he could think of were his demon's words. 'It's scary hyung, but don't listen to the voices in your head. They like to guide you down the wrong lane. Resist it. Before it consumes you.' he told me that then but what scared me more was what he said after that. He said 'Save yourself...i can't do it...' This boy told me to save myself because he couldn't do it but what i think he meant was he couldn't help himself. We then spent the next three hours talking about how he copes with the voices. Then he told me about a time where he almost listened to the voices and felt like jumping off the bridge he was walking on. He said Chan hyung asked him why he stopped walking and i guess that pure question saved Sung's life at that moment since it snapped him back to reality." Changbin hyung sighed and smiled "I'm done."

"Woah...that's a lot to take in. But thanks for helping Jisungie, hyung. Who knows what would've happened to him by now if you weren't around." he let out a soft laugh and showed me a thumbs up.

"Ah hyung, i think i should tell you where i keep his things. Follow me." i let Changbin hyung into my room and pulled open Jisungie's drawer "This whole bag is his meds that he just got the other day. I'm scared he forgets, maybe you could check if he brings it?"  
"Alright, i'll do that." Changbin hyung gestured me to hand him the bag to check it out. One of his eyebrows lifted as if he'd seen something that peaked his interest "Hyunjin ah, have you looked through this bag?"  
"No, why?"  
"It's okay if you haven't but you might wanna take a look inside when you're free." i now lifted my eyebrow, curious as to why he would say that.

He put the bag back into the drawer, and our dorm doorbell rang followed by Woojin hyung calling out to us "Guys, the food is here. Come eat."

Changbin hyung patted Jisungie's head and whispered "Sung, the food is here. Time to eat." Jisungie stirred and whined while falling back on Changbin hyung's shoulder "You still tired? Want hyung to carry you out?" Jisungie whined softly and Changbin hyung headed out to the living room.

"You coming?" he looked at me.  
"Yeah, i just really feel the need to take a look at it now." Changbin hyung nodded and smiled, continuing his way to the living room.

I grabbed the bag and dug through, looking at the labels.

'Fever'

'Ventolin for closed airways'

'Painkillers for pain'

'Painkillers for emergency'

My hands started shaking as it tied up the bag and put it back in the drawer. I wiped off the sweat forming on my hands onto my pants. I expected to see the fever meds inside but i had not expected the other three bottles to have the function written on the label. Why would Jisungie's airways be closed? What type of pain were the painkillers stopping? And why were there painkillers for emergency with a higher dosage than the other bottle?

Just when i thought i knew more about Jisungie, more questions came into view. What was wrong with Jisungie's body? And that namecard that Younghyun hyung gave me; what was the true purpose of the of the messge written at the back?

All i feel now is the greater urge to be by his side now, and with that said, i walked over to the living room with the new information freshly laid in my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author-nim : Guess who got distracted by the sidestory/backstory and wrote like 4 chapters worth of it. Me, that's who. And i just want to emphasize the fact that i am not a doctor and i don't know anything about painkillers which is also why i didn't put it's medical name. On the other hand, i do know what ventolin is cause i've taken it before but i forgot it's function, so that's that oops. But yeah, i'm revealing the meds this chapter but well, this fic still has a lot of secrets. So...STAY TUNED.
> 
> Buddy here is going to sleep. It's 3:56AM when i finished this. Peace~


	26. Dinner

**~Changbin POV~**  
I felt bad about just giving Hyunjin hints and leaving him by himself to see what i saw. But i had the feeling he would hurt even more with Jisung in his sight when he sees them. Feeling a tid bit guilty for leaving Hyujin alone like that, i walked to the living room with Sung still in my arms. So many thoughts were running through my mind as i pass the darkened hallway.

Why would Sung keep something that would require him to take those meds from us? Was is that minor? Or was it bad to the point he felt the need to keep it from us? When he said he wanted to tell me something, was it about this?

So many questions, so little answers.

I felt a wave of emotion hit me and i struggled to surpress it. I resolved to stop walking and buried my face in Sung's hair. The familiar scent of his shampoo calmed me down just like it always did like the olden days. I guess my sudden movement was too big and noticeable, Sung mumbled something.

"Sung? Did you say something?"  
"Mmn...Bin Hyung...what are you thinking about...?"  
"Hmm? Nothing much...Why would you ask that?"  
"I can hear you thinking from a mile away hyung....and you only sniff my hair when you have a lot on your mind..."  
"You knew that and you never told me...? It's nothing, just me worrying about you. You don't have to worry about me."

Sung straightened his back and looked into my eyes with his sleepy ones. He softly pinched both my cheeks "Why hyung? Let me worry about you like how you worry about me. I need you to feel the love and warmth i feel from you. Who'd ever know if you needed it then more than any other time." he released my cheeks and stared in my eyes.

"Ehehe, you're right Sung. Worry about me, care about me, stay with me. You said you wanna tell me something just now, didn't you? Do you wanna talk about-"  
"Soon hyung...soon...Maybe when i feel more awake and less tired..." Sung lied back down on my chest and loosely hanged his arms around me. I continued my walk to the living room not forgetting to rub his back.

Chan hyung, Woojin hyung, and Minho hyung were setting up the table. Seungmin, Jeongin and Felix were getting the utensils ready. Hyunjin hasn't come out of the room yet but i heard shuffling noises so i guess he was coming out. Jeongin poked his head out from the kitchen and skipped over to Sung and i.

"Hey~ Changbin hyung, the food is here.......Jisung hyung? Hyunjin hyung isn't with him? Is he still asleep?"  
"I'm not asleep...i'm just...resting..." Sung mumbled out as he shook his head like as if he was trying to shake his sleepiness away "Jinnie is on the way~ he went to the toilet, he's coming soon~"  
"Alright~ Changbin hyung, you can take Jisung hyung and sit down first, we're almost done." i nodded and sat down on the floor beside the table, turning Jisung around to let his back lean on my chest.

Everyone was almost ready when i spotted Hyunjin coming from the corner of the hallway. He spotted us and slid down beside us to sit, he looked like he was struggling not to frown. He looked up at me, then down and Jisung, then up at me again. I was going to ask him if he was okay, even though i'd already know what was causing his distress, when he suddenly pulled Jisung and i into a sidehug. I used my free hand to hug him back and pat his head. After a minute or so, he released the hug and whispered down at Jisung's ear "I'm always here, Sungie. Always here for you." i felt Jisung giggle and he hummed in acknowledgment.

The remaining members finished setting up the table with food and utensils and settled down to eat. Jisung's hands no longer shook as he ate, relieving a bit of worry for him. Hyunjin regularly looked over at Jisung and giggled with him with their mouths full. Minho hyung laughed at Seungmin and Jeongin's bickering, while occassionally glancing over to Jisung and giving a soft smile at him. Woojin hyung and Chan hyung also laughed at the maknaes bickering, while smiling at Felix who was peacefully eating on the left of Jisung and i. Felix occassionally stopped eating to smile at Jisung and asked him if the food was good, to which Jisung replied " 'e food ish noice, fwesh indeed!" All the members, me included, burst out in laughter even with Chan hyung saying while gasping for air "Jisungie~ don't speak with your mouth full. You might choke." Jisung then drank the water from the cup on my hand and answered him loudly "YES HYUNG!" upon hearing this, another laughing fit broke out among us.

I put down the cup on the table and pulled him up from where he'd slid down over time back in front of me where he can lie comfortably on my chest. He turned back and smiled at me, then leaned his head into my neck and nuzzled around. I saw Hyunjin's laughter get softer as he looked at Jisung. A smile broke on his face as he shifted closer to pat Jisung's head while mouthing to me "I think Sungie's asleep" which was true considering the room was filled with silence and all their faces had the same smile Hyunjin has. I carefully maneuvered Sung from the floor over to my bed, considering his bed is the top bunk bed so that would be impossible to carry him up there.

The members kept the noise at a minimal while cleaning up and going back to bed. I lied down next to Sung on my bed, making sure he lied comfortably on my 'softness-overflowing' pillow as he slept silently, with an expression only describable by the word "Peace". I placed Gyu between him and the wall, right at the back of his hand where he could feel Gyu's softness.

I felt my eyes drooping as i saw a figure walk through the room door "Goodnight, Binnie" i heard Chan hyung's voice say as i drift off to sleep.

With the memory of Sung's meds.

With the weight of guilt on my shoulders.

But with Sung's warmth at my side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author-nim : Hi Hi, here's a new chapter out of nowhere for you guys. I actually still haven't finished my projects and exams yet but i kinda felt guilty for making ya guys wait so long. And if i wait too long myself, i'm gonna run into a writer's block, in which i do not like to happen.
> 
> Aight, Buddy here's gonna sleep. Enjoy reading. Peace~


	27. The Talk

**~Changbin POV~**  
I squeezed shut my eyes as the sunlight hit them. Brighter than my comfort, i tried shifting to my side and covering my face to resume my sleep, only to be stopped by a little ball of heat. Sung was curled up on my chest, one hand holding Gyu close to him, other resting over my body. He stirred and stretched over and around me, adorable.

"Sung, slept well?"  
"Hmm? Yea~ Bin hyung was soft and cuddly. Easy to sleep with. And Gyu accompanied my other hand too~"  
"That's good~" i patted his head and run my finger throught his hair "You feel better now?"  
"Mmn~ i can get up myself. We have a writing session later at the company, right? We can go ahead and do that ehehe."

Sung put down Gyu beside me and sat up "Should we go get ready?" he giggled.  
"Let's go~" i stood up and pulled him along to the toilet as he waddled along.

On the way to the bathroom, we ran into Hyunjin who was leaving the kitchen and was heading out to dance practice.

"Oh? Sungie, you feeling a lot better i see. Take care of yourself and remember to drink a lot of water~ Goodmorning Changbin hyung."  
"Thanks for noticing me, i totally thought you were gonna just care about Sung and run off." i whined pouting at him.  
Sung giggled "Hehe you two and hilarious. See you after practice~"  
"See you~"

Hyunjin went to eat his breakfast, while Sung and i continued our walk to the bathroom. Entering it, we brush our teeth side by side, occassionally tapping each other's sides with our elbows and giggling at our sight in the reflection. When we finished brushing our teeth, we spent a while styling our hair and messing each other's up and restyling it again. "Let's change and go eat?" i asked Sung while exiting the bathroom and he trails me. "Mmn! Heuheuheu~" Sung giggles and we split up to change into clothes more suited for going to the company. As i was changing my pullover hoodie, i looked towards the door and Sung was standing there smiling at me. "Fast as always, aren't you?" i laughed. Sung nodded and waited for be before we head to the kitchen together, eating cereal side by side while challenging each other to eat with our left hand.

"You two are so energetic in the morning, i can't relate. At least don't spill the cereal and milk." Chan hyung sleepily walks past the kitchen, smiling at us.  
"Okay hyung" we both say at the same time and burst into giggles.

We finished up our cereal after switching back to our right hands and preventing any possible spillage, and i washed the dishes as Sung runs off to pack his stuff, and avoid doing the chores. After putting down the last washed dish, i went back to Chan hyung and my shared room to randomly fish out things in my sight that i think i'd need later on. Deciding that i was done, i went to Hyunjin, Seungmin and Sung's shared room to see if he was done packing so we could relax in the living room while waiting for Chan hyung. Peering from the doorway, i see Sung flipping the place upside down finding something. I carefully walked behind him "Sung-"

"AHHHDKNZIDKCH, ohh Bin hyung. Ehe hi" Sung jumped and flailed him arms in the air but calmed down after seeing it's me instead of a demon.  
"What are you finding? I can help you find it so that you have enough time to put everything back in their place before Seungmin comes in and go crazy."  
"Ahh erm..." Sung's eyes wander around the floor as he picks his nails nervously "H-hyung, maybe you can help me find it first and we about it later?"  
"Sure~ What are you finding?"  
"My medicine bottles, i don't know where Hyunjin put them and i don't want to have to call him..."  
"Ohh, it's here" i walk over to Sung's drawer, pulled it open and lifted the bag of meds.

Sung's eyes widened for a while but he walked over and opened his bag and i placed the bag of meds in it. We walked to the living room and sat down on the sofa. He gestured for me to come closer and so i did and leaned in. He started whispering in my ear.

"H-Hyung...you can't tell anyone this. At least not yet. I know Hyunjin has caught a few ideas of it but don't tell him too, the time will come and they'll know. I have a bottle of pills for if i can't breathe well but that's not as important cause it doesn't happen very often. The other two bottle of pills are for my injury, my heart injury. It's gotten really bad and i'm scared one day i'd just collapse on the floor and none of you know how to help me. I don't want to go with you all feeling helpless cause you all don't know. But now you know hyung. Now you know."

I sat back up and looked at him, mouthing "Injury? What happened?"  
Sung leaned towards me and i hear "Master Lee. I was involved in that hit-and-run accident. I was the one that was supposed to go, not him. He saved me. Minho hyung could have known but he didn't listen to what the officers were telling him."

My eyes widened. For half a year, Sung had been suffering with a secret someone else could have known and lessened the burden. For half a year, his mind had been on the verge of shutting down but he continued writing lyrics. And for half a year, his body is at the edge of existence, deciding whether or not it should stop working.

Sung held in his tears as his eyes watered and pulled me in his arms "Bin hyung, the worst part is that i never got to see his body, i only got to see his coffin, just like my parents'. They went and i never got to see their body one last time."

He sniffed and i rubbed his back in comfort.

I don't want to be the reason he breaks.

I want to be the reason he survives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author-nim : Sup mates~ i finished suffering in my exams and started suffering cause of the teasers for **Clé 1 : Miroh**. And guess what, it crossed my one monthsary of my hiatus recently (Last updated : 22 Feb 2019 | Now : 24 Mar 2019) so i felt overly guilty and decided to give you guys a chapter after going on a Skz marathon (cause i need to get in the feel for imagining things)
> 
> Aight, Buddy here's gonna sleep (that's a joke, i'm not gonna). Enjoy reading. Peace~
> 
> Edit : I FOUND A MISTAKE, i corrected it (Sung saw the coffin, but not the body)


	28. The First Downfall

**~Jisung POV~**  
I sniffled in Bin hyung's shoulder. It was the first time i had told anyone about my involvement in the accident and what's left of it. All the pain i had hidden from everyone for so long has finally been revealed to at least one person, thankfully in this case was Bin hyung. I felt the pressure on my chest ease, knowing that i'm not in this alone now. I just hope Hyunjin and the rest don't find out the way i think they're going to.

"Jisung? Hey, what's wrong?" i look up to see Chan hyung kneeling down beside me, eyes filled with worry.

It helped that Bin hyung didn't say anything, which also meant i could cover up all i want. I turned to face Chan hyung who is now at my knees, still looking at me and wiping my tears with his thumbs.

"Chan hyung~ you'll always support me right? No matter what happens? You'll be by my side?" my voice shook, i needed to be done being vague if i wanted Chan hyung to know but all i wanted at the moment was reassurance that one of the closest hyungs will always support me and **stay** with me no matter what happens. Even if _**it**_ happens...

Chan hyung leaned in and pulled me in a hug "Yeah i'll be here, don't worry about it. You alright? What's wrong? You want to stay at home and rest? I can talk to our manager about it." i melted in his arms, taking in all the warmth Chan hyung could possibly produce. "I'm okay, hyung. Just getting sentimental in the morning. Had a dream, felt uneasy about things..." was all i could mumbled to him as he rubbed and patted my back.

"As long as you're okay." he stepped back at ruffled my hair "Wanna go wash up again?" i nodded my head and we went to the bathroom again to wash up a second time, while Bin hyung stood close behind restyling my hair, the victim of my hyungs' hands.

We soon left the dorm and headed to the company. It took us maybe a half an hour walk to reach the company. On the way, Chan hyung and Bin hyung kept their arms hooked over my neck in silence. By the time we reached, i felt emotionally calmed down. I felt thankful for them trying their best to comfort me even though they're tired, and i've been keeping so many secrets from them.

We entered our producing room, split up into our little corners and worked on the songs. Chan hyung took out his one and only precious macbook and started playing with the tunes in his head, slowly piecing together a song. Bin hyung and i wrote our own lyrics on a separate table, sitting slightly apart. I opened my notebook, closed my eyes and imagined the story behind the lyrics i'm about to write.

Slowly but steadily... _slowly but steadily... **slowly but steadily**_...

The heat was coming, the pain was coming, i know it is, but i can't bring myself to move. Cause that's when the pain starts.

**~Chan POV~**  
Honestly what happened with Jisung in the morning at the dorm still scared me and reminded me of how young he still is, but to produce songs with the best efficiency, i'm going to lock out the thoughts and lay out the tunes.

The tunes of uncertainty, concept with the thirst of an answer. Letting my memories and imagination take me away...

As i close my eyes, a wave of tunes flow into my mind and my hand guides my mouse to input the tunes.

"Sung?"

I turn around, and the sight i was met with caught my breath.

**~Changbin POV~**  
I needed to keep my watch on Sung, but i need to write my lyrics and i can't focus if i keep looking at him. Maybe it won't happen today, maybe i can just look away for a while and focus on the lyrics for now. I put on my earpieces and turned on our song "Glow" from our Mixtape, and my mind and hand worked away. Immersed in the zone, i got to write down at least four versions of the six paragraphs i made. I took out my earpieces and stretch with satisfaction. Now i had the time to keep an eye on Sung, so i turned and looked at him.

Sung looked like he was staring at the blank page on his book, bent over the table just looking at it, not even moving. "Sung?" my chest filled with panic as his hands started shaking and he whispered through his teeth "H-hyung...it hurts...help me..."

That was all he said before his right hand made its way to his shirt and grasped it like his life depended on it, as he not-so-lightly collapsed on the table, groaning and coughing. Chan hyung immediately rushed over and asked "W-what's happening? What's wrong, Jisung?". Even i could tell that Chan hyung was panicking, bad.

"Hyung, do you have a bottle of water?" i asked as i reached for Sung's bag which was sat beside him, he nodded "Can you bring it over, quick."

I ran through his bag and looked at the two bottles meant for pain, i took the one that wrote emergency since it looked quite bad, the state Sung was in. Chan hyung and i pulled him up and helped him consume the pills, embracing him for the minutes to come until he finally settled down.

"What's wrong with Jisung? I-is he okay?" Chan hyung tried his best at whispering as his voice cracked. And what broke the silence next was Sung's sniffling. I pulled his head up onto my shoulder and he started weeping quietly.

"I don't want this anymore...let me go...let the pain consume me..." was all we heard as Chan hyung hugged the both of us, without even knowing what happened.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author-nim : Happy birthday and 1st Year Anniversary to Stray Kids and us Stays


	29. Better Than Before

**~Jisung POV~**  
"I don't want this anymore...let me go...let the pain consume me..." i muttered out.

This hurt, this pain. It's been going on for so long. I had just hoped it would take me away forever so i don't have to suffer anymore. No more hurt, no more pain, no more suffering. Then i can meet Dad, Mum, and Master Lee. Then i don't have to live with the guilt of not being able to save them. It definitely should have been me, not Master Lee to go. Minho hyung should've have had to live without his father around. It should have been me...it should have been...

I felt Chan hyung's warmth enter from the side as he pulls Changbin hyung and i into his arms, embracing us while not knowing what just happen and why it happened. Chan hyung put his hand on the back of my head and rubbed it slowly. I shifted to look at Chan hyung as Changbin hyung loosened his embrace. "...hyung..." i managed to squeak out before tears filled my eyes again and i fell into his arms. I felt so tired, so hurt, but so helpless as i made eye contact with Chan hyung. I wasn't ready to tell him just yet.

"Jisung ah, hyung doesn't know what just happened to you, but don't be afraid, hyung is always here for you." Chan hyung carried me off the chair and onto the sofa on the other side of the room, with Changbin hyung's footsteps following close behind. Chan hyung patted my back as Changbin hyung hummed a familiar tune from 'Grow Up' making me a bit drowsy after everything that just happened. "Jisung ah, let's just take a nap for a while, shall we?" Chan hyung whispered and i mumbled something incoherent and fell asleep.

 **~Chan POV~  
**I continued patting Jisung's back after he fell asleep to make sure he actually sleeps. I don't know what happened but i know he must be exhausted for now. I looked over to Changbin and he looked like he was about to tear up while looking at Jisung, his humming stopped after choking up. "Changbin? Don't cry, i don't know what's wrong with Jisung but he's gonna be fine." He nods and moves closer to lean his head on my shoulder. He moves Jisung's legs to rest atop his thighs "I don't know if h-he's going to tell you, hyung. But if h-he does, please don't get mad at h-him for not telling you. Just love h-him the same..."

"I will, Changbin ah. Don't cry. I promise i won't get mad at him. You should take a nap too. Let's all take a nap." i heard Changbin hum and relax on my shoulder. I spent maybe another 20 minutes looking at Jisung's sleeping face and feeling both of them breathe against me before i drifted off to sleep.

...............................................................

I awoke to Jisung moving around below me, and i looked down to see him freshly awake. Upon noticing that both Changbin and i had awoken to the movement, he laid back onto my chest and whispered "...hi..." i smiled at the sight and patted his head before whispering back "Hey...how's our baby squirrel feeling..." "Better than before...it was worse than the usual..." Jisung got up and sat down in between Changbin and i "...i-i think we need to talk about it...i don't want hyung to keep witnessing this without knowing anything...i...i need more help...Bin hyung's not gonna always be there for me...i don't want you to end up blaming yourself...i don't wanna die..." "Don't worry, Jisung ah. Hyung will help you. I'm here. We're here." Changbin hummed in acknowledgement and held Jisung's left hand, rubbing he back of it with his thumb.

Jisung proceeded to tell me everything, from the car accident to the injury. I couldn't help but ask "Is it really bad? Do you need to visit the hospital?" Jisung looked up at me, then back down to his legs "It's bad, it hurts but i have to live like this. I already went to get checked up the last time i went to the hospital with Jinnie. My doctor hyung said i won't...be able to live long if i keep forgetting to refill my meds...and if i don't get checked up on when i get sick..."

I turned to face Jisung and held his face up to look at me "It'll be alright. Now you have two hyungs to help you. Hyung won't let you be sick when you're alone. Okay?" "Mmn...okay..." he nods, and i let go, ruffling his hair softly.

"Do you guys wanna get back to writing or...?" Jisung asked cautiously. "Let's just pack up and get you home. We can continue another day. For now, you need your rest." "Okay.."

We packed our things and walked out of the producing room, leaving the company, and headed back to the dorm. Walking for awhile, Changbin and i turned to the middle to see Jisung swaying around and dragging his feet. Changbin took little time to pick Jisung off the ground and continue the walk back. Jisung did not even object to it, instead laying down on Changbin's shoulder and closing his eyes.

Reaching the dorm, we enter and lay Jisung on Hyunjin's bed, then we go to our room to unpack our things. Changbin had been silent ever since we left the company, i wondered if he was keeping anything from me. _**Warmth**_ was what i felt before registering in my mind that Changbin had just hugged me out of nowhere.

"Thank you, hyung. Thank you. Sung was brave today. Thank you for not getting mad at him." he muttered.

I hummed and hugged him back.

I was happy that i got to help Jisung today.

I was happy that he opened up to me and told me everything.

But how much longer would i be happy for...

I didn't want to find out...

But i eventually would...


End file.
